Resonance Of The Shards

The Part Where I Truly Faced The Wall

You are such an idiot and so am I. To begin with, this went back to the day you walked by first into my sight. I always stayed clear of girls who were hot or good looking to begin with, not coz am scared or anything.. But just becoz of the notion I had that 'with beauty comes attitude and with attitude comes ugliness', happy there are exceptions for that though. . And a couple of hours went by, you were talking to your usual and me to mine. I didn't even bother to glimpse except I saw you were well dressed. And after century of minutes, there was this chance to introduce myself. I used to depend on people to intro me to someone new, idk what came over me sudden burst of confidence that I had occasionally witnessed few times before. And for a guy who regrets himself to miss the chances of his life, somehow I got into this one. But then I didn't know for myself that how this all would turn out. Call it a scar's wisdom to not be quick about few things. The day was pushed to back of mind, I met lot of new ppl. Days passed who knew what were to come. I can't realize still where it all started, maybe that how this is all woven. A casual talk and chat. Bit by bit of pulling the rope at both ends. Before I noticed I have this group within group who took a liking to me. For a person of twisted thinking and conspiracy, this once felt relations are genuine. And there among other stars in nebula, one started pulling me even further (sorry for being cheesy nerd, guess I can't deny that part completely in me) . A guy who had very low humour sense, call me a nerd but with every second of conversation I was exploring myself yet again proving me one cannot understand them self or what they are capable of until the time has come. Taking the moment and seizing every small details for months, though I came to know it's been months coz she made me lose time. Tough job, barely getting time to breath, but even then trying to peep at my handheld for every beep it gave. Didn't realize still it would go down this path. Idk how much more I can put up this fight at the Corp. I know I had to leave, but the sense of responsibility and people depending on me and looking up to me stopped me, put me firm down. But it has to be done coz my souls slipping away, for the pass of day. First smell of freedom, and God gave me this one enjoyable company to make it better. Funny and ironic when the few times in my life I say the name of God, for who wants to deny the belief of his existence, every single time for the one who I had at least a shred of care, why am I like that.. For that you have to know me.. to truly understand me. You think you would be the one to be hated, and didn't think I had my demons too. But then who doesn't. Idk why it came to my mind to utter that one word which put us both on frenzies for almost 3 days. I was more worried on spoiling myself in you, though secretly I wanted it. You came and asked not giving me proper time to react while I was thinking only one thing, she just wants me to spit out and that would be the end of it. The belief in me, that you of all would even ask me or think remotely of me. Not that I was insecure but I just put YOU up there. And there I was the stupidest creation of God hesitating to seize it, giving too much thought about losing forever. But eventually even that boiled down. And we were having our usual itty bitty insults. Not knowing that I started something in you that you had to suffer becoz of me. And who at that point just wanted you to be happy and comfy, had made you suffer alone and was the reason behind it, maybe I deserve the pain. We promised ourselves workouts every morning and to meet on May 1st. Oh the night before how can I forget that, the crazy idea to stay all night with other bunch of strangers. You almost put me on a frenzy, I don't mind me but I couldn't just let you go alone. Night was not that good in terms of gaming for one of the things we shared. The night was short and slow. We were ready for our next muse, the beach. I always loved riding, the breeze in my face the change of sceneries. That was my escape. But I never drew fast then what is safety when I have someone with me. I wanted you to stay close but you insisted on your ride. We drove like we had no care. I did notice that you were trying to keep up with me and to be playful. I should have toned my self down, slow as ever things took turn before I could react. Scared to hell, but more than that my focus was you. Again you won't know until time comes. Would be kiddish to think there be a way to share the physical pain, but I wished. To see you hurt, idk how I held out through the whole thing more than that awestruck by your calm attitude. I promised myself to ease and make you feel everything is OK. Every single bump along the road, I could only imagine your pain. The relief I had when you were home, but only short lived.. days of constant worrying every time you felt the pain. Though those moments where I called you everyday and made you laugh through the pain, knowing what you wanted and needed more than the pain. You had things to be done and I had free time. Jealous we didn't get to enjoy it more. You used to tell it in btw, of ppl you been with. I wish you didn't, I need not know them. You shared a lot of things and I know there is even more. You think you are good at hiding? Guess again. The times I had to be not too strong in front of others to just keep it bottled in, while my body and heart pushed it against me. I started to suspect at least a couple around me knew.. Probably there is tons more to say, but the pain right now masquerading it. The time you had before you joined the job wasn't enough. Every time you talked about some other guy I think something flipped in me, but why did it matter I used to tell myself just trying to pay no attention. Every time we went to movie together with our group I had this kiddish hope that you would end up next to me. Gradually, I started loving things. Like your hair, your cheeks.. Even the weird faces you made had me attracted a bit. Those glimpses you would take at me. Didn't know was it to peek at me but I wish they were, I always felt more connected through your eyes. How can I not say about the chats.. They had your personality written all over them. It would take another whole page to write just that alone. I am capable of cheesy.. But I know you don't take much fond in it. I just loved bugging you, and making statements, insults but at the same time loved how it was already. I know coming too strong will be bad for me and both, though what's in me just grew stronger. I wanted to keep it not serious. But losing you forever scared the wits out of me. I hated your job coz it had you most of the time then I did. But then I always wanted to listen to your stories and worries. Am sorry I said something back when all you wanted is me to just listen. Idk how I would ever forget you under any circumstances. You say it's going to cost me pain, am never afraid of choosing my battle for it is my honor, in this case L.. It is to simply deny a warrior the battle then to suffer it and have the honor. Poor relation may be but I can't think of a better way to say it right now.. What your are doing, denying me of saying it's going to hurt more later. You should know that I am here and will be for the little bit of joy and truck load of pain. But then you are not even giving that how sad is that. For all its worth, am turned away at the door. All I hear is me getting hurt. And so easy you said someone else will come for you to love you. I don't want to come out and say I love you, because when I do so you know that I do the most and you won't right now. More and more.. All now present is disregards as if any of that wasn't supposed to happen and sorrys that something good has happened. I hear my mind saying, all I am in to hear is more shut down and closing doors - saying infatuation, it's just caring, and all other excuses. I wish I can go on, just this much is bringing back lot into me.