Shit

Part three

I took your advice and did the opposite, you told me to let you go, and I can't. Maybe it is because I love you and I'm not ready to lose you.

I can see you standing by yourself, looking at the people shaking hands and saying their congratulation to the happy pregnant couple. You look disgusted, and maybe it is because you know about the affairs and how ugly their relationship really is. I want you to come and talk to me because I know how bored you must be but deep down I know you won't.

Are you still beating yourself for what happened? I want to hug you and assure you that it wasn't your fault, but I know I can't. If I go over there, your lifeless pretty doll is going to make a big scene and then I'm going to cry and you are going to feel bad and she is going to laugh. If I don't go over there, I'm going to cry and you are going to feel even worse and people are going to start asking questions and you are going to be mad. You never liked people asking questions when they obviously don't really care.

I stare at the cards; they are filled with stupid little phrases I'm supposed to say in front of everybody. I am supposed to feel happy for them, say beautiful things about them and sing a song about true love and happy endings. How am I supposed to sing a happy song when I feel like dying? The love of my life is going to announce his engagement with someone he loves, and then I'm supposed to say a beautiful speech and sing about love, how am I supposed to sing about love when I'm losing the love of my life?

Tears start rolling down my face, and I keep the incredibly loud sobs inside my chest and I keep pretending reading those stupid cards filled with stupid little lies that are going to tore apart my heart in the moment I say them, and I let tears come down and I don't do anything to make them stop.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I hope that is going to be him, but is only a random person of the party looking worried. I don't listen what he got to say, I just make up an excuse for my tears and say I'm okay, he goes away and I stay on my own.

I catch him looking at me, and he has a worried look. I smile and wave, he hesitated before waving back, I walk away from him. I hear the announcement he makes, and I can hear the gasps and the fake tears of joy some are having. Minutes later they call for me, and I know is too late to run.

Is this going to break me as much as I think?