Tulips in Her Hand

Chapter Seventeen

Her hair clung to her rosy pales cheeks, glued by tears. Celina's tailbone ached from sitting on the windowsill for so long, watching dots of people fleck the gray streets below. Little droplets of rain drizzled from the clouds, reflecting her mood. The attic was absent of any noise, just the light breathing of Anka in the corner and the incessant tapping of Wren's bored fingers. Celina felt Anka's eyes pierce through hers. Yet she avoided them, merely staring out the window.

"We should have gone after him," Anka blurted, her wispy hair a fraying mess. She leaned against the wall, her voice the only reminder that she was there. Celina felt her cheeks redden. After all, it was all her fault, wasn't it?

The tapping ceased. "Anka, there was nothing we could do. You know that," Wren said. Celina cringed at his raspy voice. It seemed that everyone she met, everyone she touched, was damaged, whether they be ill or injured or heartbroken. A whole stream of silent tears flooded out of her sapphire eyes just then. The musty aroma and innumerable dust specks weren't helping, either.

Suddenly, Celina saw Anka rise abruptly from her spot out of the corner of her eye. She sneezed as a flurry of dust arose from the floor. "I have to use the W.C." she murmured, already trotting out the door. Celina almost arose to grab her arm, but stopped herself. What place did she have, anyways? Hadn't she done enough?

"You can't just leave!" Wren hissed, "You're in hiding! This kind couple has gladly taken us all in for a few days, and you're leaving?"

Anger bubbled in Anka's voice. "If they were so kind, maybe they would have taken us in permanently and saved us!"

Celina widened her eyes, aghast. Never had Anka spoken so harshly, and it was all her fault. She buried her head in her knees as the door slammed shut, leaving an empty spot in the corner. Suddenly, it felt as if Celina's entire being was shattering, her heart, her soul, her body, leaving behind discarded pieces of broken glass to litter the earth. The sobs erupted from her mouth as she rocked back and forth. Her heart pounded faster and faster in her chest.

The concentration camp, her father, the wilted tulips, broken mahogany eyes, the phone call of betrayal. All of it came whirling back to her at full force. And all of it, Celina thought, was her fault.

"I-I can't," she muttered, "I can't anymore. I just can't."

She felt Wren's gaze fall on her. Biting her lip, she rested her head against the foggy window. It pressed on her aching skull, yet Celina didn't care. After all, didn't she deserve it?

Faint footsteps. One, two, three. And then, she all of a sudden heard his heavy breathing right beside her. Still she refused to look away from the window, watching a Nazi silently yell something in his guttural language. Seconds ticked by. Finally, she heard Wren's voice. "Never, ever say that again. You can, Celina, and you will," he said firmly, his jaw set.

A feeling of anger, despair, and sorrow all mixed together suddenly pulsed through her veins. She abruptly stood up from the windowsill, her legs shaking as she nearly fell to the floor. Steadying herself on the ledge, she brought her chin up to the ceiling in a defiant stance. The tears continued to pour down her cheeks like a never ending rainstorm. "Haven't I already proven that I can't?" she started, her anguished tone piercing the room, "I used to think that no one would ever care for me, except for my father and the tulip man." She braced herself, holding back the sobs. Wren's look of determination melted into one of pity, yet Celina brushed it off. "And then, I'm practically given these three people that want to care about me, that want to be my friend. And what do I do? I brush them off, pretend to hate them."

"Celina, you don't have to--" Wren started.

Celina looked up at the ceiling in despair, shaking her head. Her entire body felt so, so heavy, a burden too heavy for her at that moment. "No, Wren, I do," she snapped, "I abandoned my father, the only person I thought loved me, and now he's probably dead. And when Mariusz and Anka finally start to get through to me? I betray them, giving up just before we're about to find somewhere to hide. Don't you see? I will always be Celina Rudaski, that selfish, introverted, cold girl that no one will ever like." She turned away from his gaze, squeezing her eyes shut. Her entire body shuddered as the immensity of her words hit her.