Reality is Elusive

Reality is Elusive (4)

I barely slept that night. It was impossible, I wasn’t at all tired, I just wanted something to do with my hands. I really just wanted to talk to someone, just for the sake of talking, but my parents where sleeping. Even if they where awake, I wouldn’t talk to them, because then they would be able to tell that it had gotten worse.

So I just talked to myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I was completely aware that I was not actually talking to anyone, there were no voices in my head replying. I’m not schizophrenic; I just couldn’t help needing to talk during the manic phase. So at 3 am in the morning, there I was, spinning in my rollie chair, playing with bouncy balls, and talking to myself.

I won’t lie and tell you it didn’t phase me. I was getting very worried.

**

When I arrived at school, my belief that I had found a friend was confirmed. Hailey was hanging around my locker waiting for me. Despite my elated feeling of having someone around to keep me company, I couldn’t help the sense of foreboding that rose inside of me at the thought that, if Hailey realized something wasn’t right with me, if she learned of my condition, that she would drop me without a second thought.

The only class we had together was Algebra, but out first period classrooms where close to one another, so we walked together.  Walking with Hailey meant that we were heading to class the same time majority of the student body was.  Ducking an dodging surprisingly eager students to get to class was not my favourite past time, and I found myself flinching every time anybody brushed against me. Despite my efforts, I couldn’t help growing more and more irritated by the second. When we finally reached class, Hailey was looking at me strangely as I tapped my leg to the rhythm of a song in my head with increasing vigour.

She carried on walking to her own class, while I entered the room to find that practically everyone was already inside and lounging about and talking to friends while waiting for the teacher to arrive.

It was as I started to walk towards my seat that I noticed him. Hayden was standing in front of his desk, casually leaning back on it and pressing buttons on the cell phone he was holding. My steps faltered as  I found myself absorbed in the sight of his hard expression . I couldn’t stop my gaze from travelling up and down his lean and toned body, focusing on the way his shoulders filled out the black T-shirt he was wearing which happened to be hugging his torso just right.

I caught myself as I realized that I was practically checking him out, no, literally checking him out. I quickly snapped my light blue eyes back to his face and almost sighed in relief when I noticed he was still staring intensely at his phone. My relief was short lived however, when his eye lifted to stare into mine, and an almost imperceptible smirk seemed to find its way onto his lips.

His eyes stayed cold and disinterested while they looked into mine in a moment that seemed to be suspended in time, before he lowered them back to his phone.

Thank goodness,

For a moment, I thought that he had noticed me very blatantly checking him out.

I took my seat, and it was then that I realized all my irritation from earlier had vanished, as well as the need to tap my hands on my thighs to no beat in particular. That was…weird.

All last night I had been so sure that my manic phase was occurring and had almost reached full force. I didn’t sleep but wasn’t tired. I was easily distracted and easily irritated. My thoughts seemed to fly through my head with barely enough time to register them. I couldn’t stop myself from talking a lot and constantly needed to be doing something, whether full on jumping up and down or at least fidgeting.

It had been this way since I got home yesterday, and all into this morning. Now I seriously tried to pinpoint the moment it had stopped, I realized it had finished less that 5 minutes ago. The moment I had set foot into class actually. No, it wasn’t when I entered the room. It was when I saw a certain someone leaning on his desk and playing with his phone.

My eyes turned to the seat next to me, where Hayden had finally sat down, and I couldn’t help looking at him in wonder.

Then I shook my head at my own foolishness. It wasn’t possible for me to be normal just because someone was in the same room as me. No, no one had that kind of power, it was impossible. I must be imagining things, there was no way that Hayden Reid could bet the reason I was suddenly calm. No way at all.

Maybe the disorder had finally taken over. Now, instead of being in this weird limbo between depressed and hyper, maybe I had reached the point of genuine insanity.

With that I set my head on my arms, wishing desperately to be sitting next to the window so that I could look out at the clouds and not have to worry about looking at anyone else. Somehow, just the thought of looking someone in the eyes seemed to make me think that they would catch me out. That they would point at me and tell me I was crazy and then scream for a doctor.

Then the doctor would take me to the ‘House that Helps”.