Remember Me

Remember Me: 4

Present

"I said, do you understand why you are here Cara?" the woman called Dr.Ash speaks again, this time she fights to catch my gaze. I slowly turn my gaze to her, trying to fight off the tears that came so easily after learning the truth.

"I'm here because my friend died and I didn't even know until five months later. She's dead, Dr.Ash, she isn't coming back," I say, my voice breaking at the thought of Avril's death.

"You are not crazy. Do you hear me Cara? It's true that your friend is dead, but you are not. I need you to let go of the past, I need you to realize that it's ok to move on," She whispers, like I'm an animal that needs to be calmed. "Your mom told me that you've made some new friends since Avril's passed away, can you tell me a little about them?" She asks. Since she looks like she cares, and I need something to help me stay calm, I tell her about Jie Li and Matt. I tell her how Jie Li cried with me and comforted me after I learnt the truth, and how Matt drove me around since my parents were scared what might happen if I was left alone after finding out about Avril.

I talk about how they were my friends, and how the letters stopped coming after I had met them.

"That's good Cara, that means you're improving, it means you're moving on," Dr.Ash says while she smiles. But I can't help but think that while I move on, Avril gets left behind. Left behind and forgotten.

Two months after the day I finally found out, I'm lying on our hill again.The evening sun is starting to hint at the colors that the sunset will expose in a few minutes. I inhale the fresh air that came with the recent spring rains, the scene is so tranquil that I feel as if I'm stuck in time. I had been coming every week to talk to Avril about what was going on, I tried to talk to her grave, but I knew I was just talking to a dead body, not Avril. The hill represented the place both of us went when we had to talk, so it only seemed right that I go there.

With the help of Dr.Ash I'm starting to go out more and smile, but I don't think I can ever forget her the way most of the people in my life want me to; they think that forgetting her is the key to moving on. Dr.Ash says that I shouldn't forget her, but I shouldn't forget my own life either. She often tells me that Avril didn't have the chance to live, and by not moving on, I'm throwing away the life she could never experience.

I think about all of the days we sat together at this spot, but this time I can feel the finality of the moment. The way the sky is blazing with colors that we saw in the past, the scent of night approaching, and the chirps of cicadas filling up the silence in the air. Before I know it, I'm crying as I think of how we'll never sit here again. Once I start thinking I can't stop the flow of thoughts that come with it. Someday, I think, I will die, and no one would know we ever sat here, looking at the sky, and talking our tears away. No one would ever hear about us, and we would be forgotten; all our laughs would be lost, and our tears will have long dried.

But my sobs melt into laughter as I think of the time I got stuck in a tree and Avril had to spend hours trying to convince me that I wouldn't hurt myself as long as I took hold of the branch next to me. I smile as I remember how we roasted marshmallows one summer night, and since it was Avril's first time roasting them it took her several tries until hers didn't go up in flames. I think of the way we used to bake cookies that always ended up burnt, and sing off key in the car when we drove to our favorite places.

I sit there looking completely insane as I remember all the moments we had and would never have again. As the last rays of the sun reach my tired eyes, I could tell that I wouldn't be coming back up to this hill for a while.

I dust off my grass stained jeans, and get up, stopping for a moment to enjoy this last moment. I glance back at the tree where I left the letters, and at the stars etching themselves into the young night sky.

"Goodbye Avril," I whisper, feeling the bittersweet ache that goodbyes often bring.

Then, I start the journey back down to my life, and to the people that have been waiting for me to finally remember myself.