Drunken Paul Landers

First Act

CHARACTERS:

PAUL, long-tongued Rammstein guitarist, in a secret relationship with Richard
RICHARD, narcissistic lead guitarist, wears ugly shirts
SCHNEIDER, drummer, Richard's shirts unknowingly make him sick

Early evening. Paul, mild drunk, is coming back home from a party. He's just blurted out to some fans a bunch of interesting (private, juicy) things about the band. And it seems he's not going to stop on that, since all of his mind brakes simply disappeared. He meets Schneider in a corridor and starts conversation with him. And now, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS, while Schneider talks about their playing and music all the time, Paul is deeply convinced they are discussing their love lives.

PAUL (all trembling of joy): Hey, Schneider, have you seen Richard?

SCHNEIDER: Yes, he's in his room, he's doing a solo...

PAUL (confused): W-what is he doing?

SCHNEIDER: Doing a solo. You knoooow... (gesticulates with his hands as if he's playing a guitar solo)

PAUL (tipsy, sees only one hand, the one which is exactly in front of Schneider's crotch): Ah so, well... (suddenly becomes sad, looking down)

SCHNEIDER: What's now? Why are you depressed so much?

PAUL: Well... I... I thought he would be awaiting me...

SCHNEIDER (wonders): Why would he have to await you? If he's working on his solo, then it's his own matter... I mean, do you understand? Only his matter. Solo means alone, doesn't it?

PAUL: Well yeah, but... Usually, we do it together... (looks down even more)

SCHNEIDER: I don't understand? How can you do solo together with him?

PAUL: Very easily! (smirks mischievously) I get down to my part, Richard to his own... It takes a while until we synchronize ourselves...

SCHNEIDER (imagines them playing together): Uh-huh, sooo... Well yes, that makes sense! Everyone is processing its own part...

PAUL: Yes, and once when we catch the rhythm, you know, when we get into the spirit, we are ready to get down to the main thing... You know, to unite ourselves, hehehe.

SCHNEIDER (smiling): Oh yeah, you said it really well. As one! Wow, I can imagine how it sounds then!

PAUL (giggling): I hope you didn't hear us, huh?

SCHNEIDER (frankly astonished): What? What do you mean, Paul, what kind of question is that?! (laughing) Well who didn't hear you two! When you two get down to the business, the walls tremble, the floor quake, you become even louder than a fucking airfield!

PAUL (mildly ashamed): You're overreacting, Schneider... No way we're loud like that... You must have heard someone else...

SCHNEIDER (frowning): Then whom else? Oliver maybe?

PAUL: Why Oliver? What Oli has to do with...

SCHNEIDER: You three are the only ones here with such activities... (he means electric and bass guitar playing) Well, OK, Oli distinguishes a little bit from you and Richard, he has different preferences, but however it comes to the same...

PAUL: Then, and Oliver does it too? Here, in this house?! Gott, I didn't notice it at all!

SCHNEIDER: Well, yes, when he's so damn quiet... (whispering) Don't tell the others, but he can't be heard even if you connect him to a strongest possible amplifier! Not even a sound of him!