Property of Amy Billie

8th February

8th February

Yesterday was awful. I woke up to mum waving the newspaper in my face, her finger pointing unnecessarily to Joe's smiling, dead face. Instantly I felt like being sick.

"Look, look, look, look!" She'd shouted, I couldn't tell if she was angry or excited. She's one of those people that begs for the limelight and as far as she's concerned this is a small claim to fame by the family. "He used to come to the flat a lot, didn't he Amy-baby?"

"He did," I'd replied through gritted teeth.

She'd then read the entire article out which rehashed his death, mentioned 'dodgy friends' and made me feel worse and worse. I feel so sick all the time. I feel like I'm being eaten inside out. And then I'll feel even more guilty because here I am feeling things when Joe's underground, his grave not even fresh anymore.

"He's the one Jessamine used to joke that you'd end up marrying." And it was those words that hit me like a ton of shit to my heart.

I was up and dressed while mum was still there, I'd left the flat while she was still puzzling over what shitty thing had set me off this time.

I got high with Dray and Mia. I like Mia's room it's so dark. The blind's always drawn, the bed's never made and she never picks her clothes off the floor. There's mould in the window. It's like being in a cave and it was just what I needed yesterday.

I got so high.

Bliss

I may have accidently ended up having sex with Mia's older brother's girlfriend Alissa. She's been on/off with everyone she's ever got with...Including me. Not that I'd ever tell my family I am bi or they'd probably disown me. They have the most fucked up morals.

Alssa's actually alright. She took my hand and she held my face even though I was pretty high, like could-barely-keep-my-eyes-open kinda high and she kissed me and I completely forgot that it was the 7th of February. The sick thing was we did it in Mia's brother's bed.

She said something to me afterward when we lay there in each other's arms, I can't remember what it was but I remember looking at her with her fuzzy edges and she had tears in her eyes like she was the saddest girl in the world. So I said "me too" and pretty much fell asleep.