Property of Amy Billie

25th February

25th February

I love Cleo so fucking much what the hell would I do without her? I was moping about yesterday and today and she snatched my guitar off me and said she'd ask her dad to fix it. She gave me a big hug as well and whispered that I looked like I could do with one. My chest felt really weird when she did that and I thought I might cry, I literally choked on a sob which baffled me.

I guess I've been quite down at the moment. It's hard to be happy when I'm constantly being anchored down by the weight of guilt I carry about Joe. I can't get over it. It's fucked me up so much because I was a big enough bitch to help drive someone to their death. And afterwards I swore I would try and be like a butterfly, you know, butterflies are good. I want to be good and kind but whenever I have done I end up getting taken advantage of. I lend a mate some money and they usually either never give it back or keep asking for more. And now I'm just coming across really self indulgent.

And I did something bad last night. Mia's brother (he's called Wayne) was fucked up on some heavy shit I don't even know what and I was in Mia's cave listening to some new songs she was dying for me to hear. Alyssa snuck in and began whining about how much of a deadbeat Wayne is and Mia was shrugging and I could see she wasn't in the mood to slag her brother off. To be fair Wayne is a deadbeat, worse than that, he's just an asshole moron with no skills. He's got nothing to offer but heroin to lost causes. In the end Mia got up and left the room so it was just Alyssa and me.

Sometimes I don't really understand my friend, she won't have anyone slag off her useless brother but she'll happily not inform him about Alyssa's interactions with me and whoever else. Bizarre.

Alyssa took over the music, she's really annoying when it comes to picking songs. She hops through song after song but never lets them run through to the end. I was getting to the point where I was going to slap the phone out of her hand.

Then she smirked at me. "Something bothering you?"

"Why are you with Wayne?" I'd blurted out stumping us both. I could see I'd confused her, or well not confused but bothered her. I don't think she truly knows what she's doing with him. I mean it's obvious from her actions that she's not exactly head over heels for the bloke. But then all you have to do is look at her glamorous nails, lush dip-dyed hair and MAC makeup to see why she puts up with such an airhead. She is beautiful. Oh God I sound so fucking drippy.

She'd gotten really uptight after the question and went to leave but I grabbed her hand. I mean I don't want to come across as a slut. I hate to use that word but it's the only one I can think to use. I mean, I don't want to sound like I just like using people for my sexual satisfaction,, when there's a connection I obviously try to build on it. And there's something between us I know it. I pulled her back down (not that it took any persuasion because let's face it she fucking likes me back too).

I don't always know how to do 'deep' with someone else so I tried to kiss her but she leaned back. I tried again but the same thing happened. At that point I was pretty much stumped.

"I'm with Wayne because I love him, Amy." She snapped like it was true. But I know better. I told her she deserved better, that she was capable of making her own fortune because she was ten times cleverer than that piece of shit. She'd gotten really angry like she had a point to prove even though I thought we could be ourselves with each other. Even now I'm pretty confused about the whole thing.

"I said I love him! What the fuck do you want? So what I'm not happy all the time!"

But I wasn't having this bullshit. Like I said, I know better. "You're not happy ANY of the time."

"What you think you'd make me happy?"

"I'm not saying-"

"Because I wouldn't be darling, me and you ain't never gunna happen. Sorry to burst your little bubble. I'm with you because you're easy and I'm bored."

That had hurt. It hurts writing it down. It hurts reading it and remembering it. I don't know what I could have said to that. She'd just gone full fucking bitch. When she said it a thousand different ways to end her flashed through my mind and I knew I was giving her the deadliest of glares. She waited for a response but Alyssa had gone way over the fucking line. I don't know why everyone has to be a fucking dickhead all the time. What the fuck is wrong with her? It's making me so mad right now I should've punched her in the face rather than hissing "Fuck You" and storming out of the flat.

Well

I kind of went up to Wayne who was semi conscious by then and tugged harshly on his shoulder. "Your girlfriend's a cheating asshole. Proof's on her phone." AND THEN I STORMED OUT

So I guess I'm not really a happy, kind butterfly or whatever bullshit I wanted to be.

Mia sent me a text about an hour and a half later saying : shit's blown up, man.