Property of Amy Billie

3rd March

3rd March

I don't know why I've been thinking about Dan so much at the moment it's driving me insane. You know when you spin round and round for ages even when you know you should stop but you keep going and then you stop and you're staggering around while everything continues to spin around you, that's pretty much me throughout the six months we were kind of together.

I remember it was spring half term and he'd sent me a text really late at night when I was tossing and turning, trying to get some sleep in my stuffy bedroom.

Get packed. Be ready at 9.

I'd spent the rest of the night trying on clothes wanting to look sexy and appealing and not like some average teenager. It was all so sordid.

He took me away, far away from where I knew and out to the countryside where the hills were rolling green and and the roads twisted and became excruciatingly narrow and yet he still flew along. I'd stuck my hand out the window trying to touch the hedges and overhanging branches. He took me to a really big house...a manor I think. It was midday by the time we arrived and my stomach had been growling and I was furiously ravenous.

The garden seemed to stretch on forever, I remember getting out of the car, my thighs unsticking from the leather and feeling like I was in a cross over into some Jane Austen novel. I'd stared and stared.

Dan was rambling about how his parents were in Switzerland or some other foreign place and that this was our castle for the next four days. It felt so good to be away from anyone and everyone and yet I felt like a deep sadness tugging at my insides reminding me that this wasn't normal. This wasn't sustainable. But I pushed it away and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing myself against him and told myself sometimes love wasn't conventional but love is love and you have to go with its flow.

I realise now that that philosophy is flawed and bullshit.

I'd lounged in the pool mostly, Dan had forgot to tell me I needed a swimming costume but he'd laughed when I told him and said no one was here so I could swim naked if I wanted. It seemed bad and I liked it.

He let me drink, gave me full access to the wine cellar or permitted me to produce my own cocktails which we sipped and retched on when the alcohol burned our throats. What can I say, I like my drinks strong. It was during this little trip that I discovered how much I liked the taste of malibu.

"Do you think this will be us for real some day?" I'd finally built up the courage to ask him after thinking about it for a very long time.

He was sunbathing, a motionless statue of muscles and good health. I'd wanted to touch him. He had grunted. "Who knows."

"Do you hope so?" I'd pushed, sat on the edge of my seat watching him and willing him to fall in love with me like I had so easily done with him. I'm still kind of taken aback by how fast and heavy I'd fallen for him. I would have done anything for him and he knew it.

"I guess."

I was always so frustrated and confused when he gave me vague, indecisive answers when I tried to figure out his feelings. Dan was clever, much cleverer than me. He knew how to give me enough to be satisfied and yet he never really promised me anything, never really gave me anything.

In the evening if someone came over, usually a few men, Dan would send me away upstairs to get myself ready. I would have to spend ages doing my hair and makeup, bathing in the really deep bath, all of that just to sit there confused as I waited for him to come to me. I could usually hear them drinking and laughing and was desperate to go and join but when I'd asked Dan had gotten angry and said he didn't want anyone else looking at me. I was all his.

Cleo was just about my only mate at that point and I'd spent most of my lonely evenings video messaging her, showing the place and asking her what to do. She had always been against Dan. When your friends hate the guy you're with then you really should at least take on board what they're saying cuz they can see what you're blinded to. And I was dazzled by Dan.

I honestly thought I couldn't breathe without him and now I'm kept awake with the same ache over Alyssa that I had felt when I wasn't with him.

This is crazy.

I don't know what to do.