Wolf in the night(Steter)

Author's Explanations

This is very long but please bare with me til the end.

To be honest, I have no idea if anybody is actually still reading this. It's been almost a year since I last updated, and that wasn't even a real update. Just me doing some more explaining.

Let me just lay some things out for y'all. This past year has been one of the worst years I've ever had. I've never struggled with my mental illnesses more than I have in the past 12 months. A lot of things have been happening and for a long time I got really lost.

It use to be where I could ignore my anxiety for the most part. But it got to the point where I was having panic attacks every single night. I would be so nauseous that I would go days without eating. I couldn't even sleep because it was so bad.

My depression was even worse. I started cutting myself again. I relapsed on my 18th birthday. It was the worst birthday I've ever had. All I wanted to was die. My doctor made me try pill after pill after pill. I can't tell you how many I've been on. One of them even gave me insomnia. I'd stay up for 24 hours, sleep 2 hours then do it all again. I was like a freaking zombie. One pill made everything worse. It made me so disoriented that sometimes I couldn't remember how I got from one place to the other. Eventually it made my depression worse. It got to the point I had to make my family stay with me so I wouldn't kill myself.

Speaking of family, they treat me like absolute shit. I know they love me but all I've ever been is their punching bag. I get walked all over but people still expect my respect. So If you don't mind, I want to talk about my family a bit. This isn't me shitting on them. I love them to death but they are literally destroying any self love or confidence I had left. Which was pretty little to begin with.

4 years ago I developed this really bad back pain. I saw several doctors and specialist but they either didn't believe me or thought I was exaggerating. My mother was told by a doctor that my pain wasn't as bad as I made it seem. Let me just tell you what this pain is like. For 4 years I've had to sleep on a heating pad every night. If I don't, it hurts so bad that I'll just lay there and cry the entire night. Of course that comes with consequences. The heating pad has burned me more times then I can count. I've got burns and scars all up and down my sides because of it. The pain became so bad that I had to drop out of high school. I tried going back a year later but by then the pain was worse and I couldn't do it. The pain eventually spread down my legs, into my knees, and to my toes. My nerves are so messed up in my feet that just walking burns and feels like I'm being stabbed with needles. My hips and knees are so bad that I can't bend them anymore. Just sitting down and standing up make me want to cry. My back is the worst. I can't do anything really. Sitting up for more than 10 minutes hurts. I have to keep changing positions. Walking for more than a few minutes makes it worse too and my chest begins to feel like I'm being crushed between boulders. I can't exercise or take my time shopping. I can't go on walks or even pick up my nephew. I can't get down on the floor and play with him or run around with him outside and I know it breaks his heart. It breaks my heart too.

I'm always in pain. It's never not there. Every second I'm awake it's hurting. I've just gotten good at hiding it. Which is why nobody believes me. If I'm not crying, they think I'm making it up.

My family doesn't believe me. They think I'm lying to get out of doing things. They think I'm lazy and a freeloader. They think I'm perfectly capable of doing what normal people can but I can't. I've caught every single one of them talking shit about me to others. I don't understand how my own family is so against me for something that isn't my fault. They tell me I need a job and to get off my ass but I just don't want to. That's not true. I want a job more than anything. I want to make my own money so I can pay for my GED tests(equivalent to high school diploma) I want to save up for a car and to get my own place. I want to.go to college damn it. Which is another thing, I told my family my plans for college and not a single person believed in me. They all doubt me. My sister told me to my face that she doesn't think it's going to happen. My other sister thinks I'm crazy. She thinks that I'm psycho cause I have depression. Lol Jokes on her. I'm psycho cause I have psychosis -.- it's not what the media portrays it to he. We aren't murderous soulless monsters. We're just hurt people who's minds are trying to cope with all the trauma and pain. I'm going to take a moment to ask anybody who doesn't know much about mental illness, to please educate yourself on the illness at hand before you make assumptions. It's not like the media makes it out to be.