My Reality

Chapter 3: Living with my mom(2012-2015)

When I first moved in with my mom everything was good and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders not being in my dads house anymore. I was happy I wasn't a punching bag anymore; but on the more "downside" of things I no longer had my father in my life. After about 2-3 months of living with my mom and not seeing my dad at all, reality had set in; my father was gone and I completely pushed him away. Now at the time I wasn't at the mental campacity to know how to fix what had been done. So I started to over think everything and get very depressed, most of the time I didn't want to leave bed or even be alive anymore. While my dad treated me like shit he was still my dad, and I still loved and missed him. I didn't talk to him for almost 6 months. No text calls or visiting. At first I didn't care, because I had my amazing step-dad Dan there for me. He was pretty much my motivation to keep gong. He had told me storied=s about how when his dad died, he was 18 and thought about driving his truck off a bridge he took EVERYDAY to work. How he never wanted to get out of bed because he thought he would never feel normal again. Once he started to open up to me I didn't feel so lost anymore, I felt like no matter what I had him there and he knew how I was feeling. Even when I was very sad, upset, balling, or on the brink of having a mental breakdown he was there for me, in a way that changed my perspective on a lot of things. One, while you may feel very alone and lost at times, there is always someone who has been where you are; or is right there with you. It's just a matter of opening up to them, and sharing your thoughts, And two, blood doesn't make you family, Dan and my mom had been married for about 2 years when all this had happen. And in those 2 years he was more of a father to me than my biological father was. That made me really happy to know I had someone else there with me, that I wouldn't be going through this dark time in my life, alone.

So while I was living with my mom I had hit that put in puberty where your hormones get all fucked up and you being to change, some people it's just their bodies others its bodies and minds. So as I've said, I became very depressed, learned what anxiety was, I became very bipolar. I would be super happy and then for no reason I would become pissed, sad, or any other emotion. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life at that point, I was craving a way to control something in my life, So I started to restrict my diet, I went from eating 3 meals a day and a snack before bed. To skipping breakfast, then I would skip breakfast and lunch. After bout 3 months of skipping meals I went from 170 to 145. Then everyone was complimenting me on how good clothes hugged my body, how pretty my cheekbones were. Girls started to envy me for being so skinny. So since I had gotten such a positive response to my losing weight, I set my mind on losing more. I went from 145 to 130 within a month. I felt great but my mom and step-dad had started to worry about me in the total of 4 months I had lost 40 pounds, at 5'4 and 130 pounds, I was considered average weight. Well I was happy until I started to be online more. I seen how skinny some girls were, my confidence had started to drop, I no longer felt beautiful, I felt fat. I started to purge (Throw up) anything and everything I ate. So then I would only eat dinner and afterwards directly go to shower, turn on the water blast music and show a toothbrush or my fingers down my throat, I went 5 days without eating purging even when I had eaten nothing. The hunger pains would hurt so bad, I would be left doubling over gasping for air from the pain. I started filling my stomach with water to stop the grumbling noises. It's kinda hard to tell your parents you already ate when it sounds like baby chewbacca is in your stomach yelling to get out. I also would always be cold, and lightheaded it was the worst thing in the world. But everywhere I went everyone would say "Oh honey you're so frail, My goodness you look like you lost half of your body weight." When mom and step-dad had notice how much weight I had real lost over about 6 months they would try to force me to eat, which resulted in my getting really pissed off and causing an argument so they would get distracted by that, and I could try to get myself sent to my room. I slept as often as I could to avoid being awake and feeling how empty my stomach was. Then after the arguments started to happen and I would spend almost every waking second in my room, isolated from the world. I started to go on pintrest and follow ana pages. Which led to me worsening my eating habits even more. I started to hate myself. I want to cut every piece of skin I could pull on off. One day I had a mental breakdown, and remember that I had seen self-harm on my pintrest at one point. So I took apart a pencil sharpener and started to cut my wrist. Just one time that's all it took. I felt numb, serene, and everything seemed quite for once. There wasn't anything in the world that could beat the feeling that I got when I did that. So it started to become a way for me to let out what I had held in all the time. It got out of control, My arms completely covered, starting on my legs. One day in the school clinic the nurse had seen them, and of course like the dumbass I was; well should say am. I told her "Oh it's just my cat." obviously she didn't and wouldn't believe me. So she told the school therapist, I had gone down to his office wanting to talk to him about my most recent test in math. So we start talking and then he tells me, "I was just getting to call you down, then you popped in." and I replied "Oh well guess I  saved you a pass then, what did you want to talk about?" so the he scoots his chair closer to me and his face reads concern and seriousness, when I seen how his face looked, I started to get a feeling in my stomach. He then says, "So you went to the clinic a few days back, and she had seen something on your wrist, that you claimed to be from your cat at home; correct?" And right after that sentence I got a lump in my throat and my eyes welled up with tears. He knew that I had lied. He asks softly, " Can I please see them to make sure they aren't infected, or need medical attention?" So I pulled up my sleeve and let him look at them he ran his fingers over them, pressing on certain ones, asking if it hurt. Once he was done looking at them, he says, "Now look, I don't want to do this but I have to, I have to call your mom and tell her what I've seen." I started to panic thinking my mom would be raged and very upset with me, I started to beg him "No, please don't! I promise I will stop, I'll never do it again please, I don't want her to be mad at me." He looks at me with sympathy all over his face and says, 'Honey, I'm sorry but I have to, Your in 7th grade you should be happy, carefree, and wear bracelets because they look pretty with your outfit, not because your hurting yourself and and need to hide it from others. I promise you she won't be mad at you, sad yes maybe, but she won't be mad. Okay? I promise." I just nod my head and look away I hear him pressing buttons on his phone as I put my face in my palms. "Yes, Mrs. Drennen, I would like to talk to you about Jillian, A few days ago in the clinic the nurse had noticed some cuts on her wrist and she said it was from the cat you have at home, well I have her down here now and we have talked for a good hours, and I wanted to inform you that she has been harming her self also known as, Cutting and burning herself. Now with situations like this we recommend and family doctor visit, and personal therapist." He begins to nod and say to me "Your mom would like to talk to you." I get up and take the phone and say, "Mommy I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never do this again, I'm sorry please don't be mad at me, I'm sorry." then she says, "If you're done freaking out now, I would like to speak. Listen baby girl no one is mad or upset with you, Upset that we didn't see it so we could stop it sooner yes, but no one is and ever will be mad at your for something like this." we are both silent for a second and then I say, "Okay I'm sorry I love you, I have to get my stuff it's time to leave, I love you." she says, "I love you too. We will talk more when you get home." I hand the phone back to him and go to my locker, grab my stuff and the whole way walking home, I spend worrying and scared that she really is mad at me, Once she gets home she waits for my step-dad to come in the sit down with me and they say, "Look neither of us are mad or upset with you. We want to help you so you don't feel like you have to do this as a way to feel better. We want to be here for you as much as we can." I just nod my head wanting this conversation to be over. Then my mom says. "How about you go shower relax for a little bit and then we will eat dinner and watch a movie." I head upstairs to shower and grab my blade on the way to the bathroom. It was clear to me that they will look at your wrist but not you thighs, So I start on my thighs. Once I am finished I get in the shower then go and lay down in my bed, going to sleep before I am forced to eat dinner and feel the elephant in the room for the duration of the movie. Before I drift to sleep my last thought is, "8 days without eating, let go for 9 tomorrow."