Leah and...

Leah And... Sexuality.

It's been a long time since I've done one of those, and I strongly believe that no one really missed this book, but anyways. This time I will be talking about sexuality which has been a difficult subject for quite some years. 

When I was thirteen I started to really realise that what I had "felt" for boys over the years was not any sort of love or attraction. I didn't know why, but I knew that I was more attracted to females at that age already. 

I decided to not tell anyone about my thoughts yet, because (as with so many other subjects) I thought I was the only one who ever had these feelings. My mother had told me from an early age that falling in love with the same gender wasn't a problem for her, obviously sensing early on that I wasn't straight. 

Anyway, that didn't take away that I was insecure on the topic. I was already quite different than the people in my class and people I knew, and I didn't want to add more fuel to the fire by coming out. 

I had been living with this secret for almost a year when I stumbled on a website that is both flawed, but also helped me out most of the time, especially on the topic of sexuality: Tumblr. 

Some people hate the site, some love it and some do both of these at the same time. I adore it mostly, because it spreads positivity for people who mostly aren't used to have it in their lives and those who need a helping hand when they can't reach out to people close to them. 

On Tumblr I found out that there are more people like me, people that fell in love with the same gender, two genders and all genders. My eyes opened and I realised that coming out might not be such a bad idea after all. 

After thinking about it long and hard, I decided to come out as bisexual to both my best friend, my singing teacher and my mother. They were all happy for me, and I had never felt happier either. A secret I held with me so long regarding who I really was had been out by my own doing, and I loved it. 

I have never been prouder of myself in my entire life. 

More people followed knowing about my secret, and eventually I decided to tell my class about my sexuality and the fact that at that time I was madly in love with a girl. (Still am btw.) 

Most people were very excited and hoped I'd get together with her while the others didn't pay enough attention to me to really care. Both were good to me. At least I didn't get a negative responce like some people I read about on Tumblr. 

Some people left my life because they didn't respect/understand my sexuality whilst others stayed and helped me as much as they possibly could. The people who really supported me stayed with me and fake friends were easily eliminated from my life. 

I went from bisexual to lesbian, as what I felt for my girlfriend was an entire new feeling for me that I had never felt before; love. 

Now, I don't know what exactly I am. And the question "Are you bisexual or a lesbian?" haunts my dreams. 

Because I don't know, so how am I supposed to answer that question. Before you start, I like labels. I like to be able to name what I am or what I feel, so now that I don't have a label I panic faster. 

Anyway, I try to help people with this as much as possible and I was lucky enough to have people in my life who respect me for myself and who I am. Some people only show how they feel along the way, which could effect your own life as well. 

People who you thought were there for you suddenly show their real self and that can hurt, but with the right people besides you it can be so easy to get through all of that. 

I also want to use this to clear a lot of minds, a lot of my friends are religious, and none of that have a problem with me not being entirely heterosexual. Of the many people who left me for my sexual orientation only one was religious and blamed it on that, and a lot of people left me for this. 

Not all christians are hateful towards the LGBT+ community and some of my friends are pretty hurt that people immediately assume this when they tell them about their religion. So, I wanted to get that out right now, just to spread the word about this a little. 

If any of you, of what age, gender, religion, colour or even if you have only three fingers, I don't care. If you ever need someone to talk to about anything, I'm here. I can't promise that I can help you, I can only promise that I will try my best to help through personal experiences and things I learned for my girlfriend about panic attacks and such.

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this chapter of this book. If anyone is being hateful in the comments towards the LGBT+ community please ignore them. I know it is hard and I know that you want to protect us and the community but please don't give them the attention they desparetly want. 

Love you guys, 

Xx LB <3