Leah and...

Leah and... Please all stay strong, okay?

Hey guys, I'm back again. I'll be getting a bit personal and emotional in this chapter so beware and prepare. 

I want to be an actress really bad so I auditioned for an acting school and got accepted. I hadn't been happier before in my entire life. This was what I truly wanted and here I was, living my dream. 

In the beginning of the year everything was fine, I acted my butt off, did my very best in every workout we had and enjoyed every single moment, even when we had this math class. (For some reason they still teach us that stuff but hey, the rest of the week makes up for it.) 

A few weeks ago now I was forced by my mother to go see a doctor for something called Misophonia. I could explain it but I'll just pull up the dictionary for you. 

 "Misophonia, literally "hatred of sound," was proposed in 2000 as a disorder in which negative emotions, thoughts, and physical reactions are triggered by specific sounds. It is also called "select sound sensitivity syndrome" and "sound-rage." Misophonia has no classification as an auditory, neurological, or psychiatric condition, there are no standard diagnostic criteria, it is not recognized in the DSM-IV  or the ICD-10 , and there is little research on its prevalence or treatment. Proponents suggest misophonia can adversely affect ability to achieve life goals and to enjoy social situations. Treatment consists of developing coping strategies  such as cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy." 

So, I went to the doctor and she confirmed that I indeed had Misophonia, but that something else was also wrong. Now, I knew what she was talking about but I was afraid to admit it. I have an eating disorder. 

We didn't name it yet, because I'm not really sure what it really is for now, neither does the doctor or the pshycologist, but we're getting there. 

Basically, I eat something and minutes after feel very bad about it. I start to shake and generally feeling really bad about myself and my body image. Even today, as my body completely malfunctioned and I could barely walk because of the lack of energy, my mind decided that even eating a sinhle grape would tear me up. 

I ate three of them and, badly enough, labeled it as a great achievement. 

Today my acting teacher send me out of his class because I didn't have the energy to act anyway. He ordered me to go home but I didn't and now I'm typing this out to get it off my chest. 

No one ever reads this book anyway, so hey, it'll be off my chest and still with no one else. My friends have tried to help me but to no avail and I'm honestly starting to give up hope on everything. 

Seeing as Misophonia isn't found out that long ago there is no treatment, no one even knows how it works or where it is stimulated from so then how will you cure it? How do you cure something that you don't even knew existed until sixteen/seventeen years ago and you have no idea where it comes from?

Answer: You can't. 

So that is a dead end. I will probably have to go through many things that'll bother the crap out of me, sessions of people chewing next to my ear and me just having to get used to it and such. It'll most definitely take years to get over this and when I finally do it'll only take one bite and a crunchy sound to take me all the way back again.

I know I can fight this eating disorder, but it's going to be a long way. Besides, for those of you who don't know, eating disorders tend to return. One moment you're eating away and the next you can't even get a slice of cucumber away. 

Anyway, I'm going to fight this. I can't live like this and I most definitely won't be able to complete my school and get my dream job like this. So, if it means anything to me (which it does) I will fight it! 

And, if you're reading this, everything will be okay. In a year I might read this back while eating a plate of nachos and will be happy that I fought it how I did. 

I want you to do that too, okay? That thing that's happening, you know the one everyone tells you you can't do, you can! I believe in you, I believe that you can do this and I believe that it'll work out just fine. 

Oh, and never forget that you are valid, and your problems are valid as well. Even if it is something really small, it is valid. 

I love you, okay and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here. 

We'll battle this together! Lot's of love, 

Xx LB <3