Heart-Shattered

Heart-shattered: Number Five

You wish you were someone else. Every night you fall to pieces, Knowing you can't save yourself.

I can see you!

I can hear you!

There's a place where the broken go, there's a room full of second chances.

You're not stranded on your own.

You're not invisible.

-- Invisible, Disciple

Number Five:

I've been Compromised

If you've seen The Avengers, you'll probably remember the scene where Natasha (Black Widow) is talking to Clint (Hawkeye) and she says,

"I've been compromised."

In response to Clint's concern for her.

I thought that quote from the Avengers seems to perfectly describe how I felt during the time that Rosalie lived with me.

Every part of my life was affected, not just my home life.

When I went out in public, I felt small and worthless.

When I was with my friends, I hid all of my emotions and put on my happy face.

When I was around guys, I ran.

(Literally. I ran away from my crush once, because I was so insecure with myself. But that's another story.)

Instead of covering up my insecurities with nice clothing or makeup or something like that, I decided to just stay home most of the time.

My friends called me, and I wouldn't pick up. I thought it was better to just avoid those feelings of insecurity.

My parents got really concerned about me and started encouraging me to go places.

So, to make them happy, I would go to small get-togethers with some kids from my youth group. I thought that maybe it would make me feel better, but it did exactly the opposite.

One time, at a movie night, the parents of some kid ordered everyone pizza.

My stomach was feeling a little off that night, so I took a pass on dinner.

We were all sitting around, everyone else holding big pizza slices on plastic plates. We were about start watching a movie when everyone looked at me at the same time.

"Aren't you going to get something to eat, Danielle?" Asked my friend Lily loudly, in front of everyone.

I blushed intensely.

All of the kids there all knew about Rosalie's eating disorder.

They all stared at me.

"I'm not feeling too well right now."

I responded.

"I'll go with you." Lily said, tugging me up from my seat on the couch.

"I'm fine." I snapped, pulling away. "Really. Just start the movie."

As we watched the movie, Lily kept shoving her piece of pizza at me. I'd never been so embarrassed, because everyone kept looking back at me.

After I'd go somewhere, I'd come back home, lie in bed, and cry silently.

Small tasks that seemed like they should be easy and quick took a lot of effort. I was tired all the time, even when I'd slept really well.

After about a month, I developed insomnia.

I started to cry myself to sleep every night. And I didn't enjoy anything anymore.

It was a miserable time.

One night, I heard Rosalie shouting horrible things at Preston outside my room. She got in her car and drove away. She was gone for two days.

Preston told me it was nothing, that she was just having a hard time. He said she felt unwanted in our home.

Of course she was "unwanted".

She didn't help with anything, and she made our lives miserable. She didn't show any gratitude, and she treated us like we were slaves.

I don't know why my parents put up with any of it.

Finally, I was beginning to let go of the "friendly" part of me that wanted to forgive Rosalie and give her second chances. I began to see her as what she really was: a threat to my physical and mental health.

I hadn't been happy in months, and I blamed it on her.

I told Preston that she was a bad influence to me and that maybe he should talk to her about her attitude.

But he was so blinded by love that he just laughed.

"She'll come around." He promised. "It'll just take a while."

End.