"DEMIAN" by HERMANN HESSE

Chapter 2.2 CAIN

I realize that some people will not believe that a child of little more than ten years is capable of having such feelings. My story is not intended for them. I am telling it to those who have a better knowledge of man. The adult who has learned to translate a part of his feelings into thoughts notices the absence of these thoughts in a child, and therefore comes to believe that the child lacks these experiences, too. Yet rarely in my life have I felt and suffered as deeply as at that time.

One day it rained. Kromer had ordered me to meet him at the Burgplatz, and there I stood and waited, shuffling among the wet chestnut leaves that were still falling from the black wet trees. I had no money with me but I had managed to put aside two pieces of cake and had brought them along so as to be able to give Kromer something at least. By now I was used to standing in some corner and waiting for him, often for a very longtime, and I accepted it the same way one learns to put up with the inevitable.

Kromer showed up finally. He didn't stay long. He poked me in the ribs a few times, laughed, took the cake, even offered me a damp cigarette (which, however, I did not accept), and was friendlier than usual. "Yes, " he said nonchalantly before going away, "before I forget it, you might bring your sister along the next time, the older one, what's her name." I failed to get his point and made no reply. I only looked at him, surprised. "Don't you understand? You're to bring your sister. "

"No, Kromer, that's impossible. I wouldn't be allowed to and she wouldn't come in anycase. " I was prepared for this new ruse or pretext of his. He did this often: demanded something impossible, frightened and humiliated me, then gradually offered some bargain as a way out, and I had to buy myself off with some money or a gift.

This time, however, it was altogether different. My refusal did not seem to make him angry at all. "Well, anyway, " he said in a matter-of-fact tone, "think it over. I'd like to meet your sister. We'll find a way one of these days. You could simply take her along on a walk and then I could join you. I'll give you a whistle tomorrow, then we can talk about it some more. " After he had left, something of the nature of his request suddenly dawned on me. I was still quite ignorant in these matters but I knew from hearsay that boys and girls when they grew older were able to do certain mysterious, repulsive, forbidden things together.

And now I was supposed to--it suddenly flashed on me how monstrous his request was! I knew at once that I would never do it. But what would happen then? What revenge would Kromer take on me?I didn't dare think of it. This was the beginning of a new torture for me. Inconsolable, I walked across the desolate square, hands in my pockets. Further and greater agonies awaited me! Suddenly a vigorous cheerful voice called me. I was startled and began to flee. Someone ran after me, a hand grasped me gently from behind.

It was Max Demian. "Oh, it's you, " I said mistrustfully. "You gave me a terrible shock. " He looked down at me and never had his look been more adult, superior, the look of someone who could see through me.We had not spoken to each other for a long time. "I feel sorry for you, " he said in his polite yet decisive manner. "Listen, you can't let yourself be frightened like that. " "Well, one can't always help it. "

"So it seems. But look: if you practically go to pieces in front of someone who hasn't done you any harm, then that someone begins to think. He's surprised, he becomes inquisitive, he thinks you're remarkably high-strung and reaches the conclusion that people are always like that when they're deathly afraid. Cowards are constantly afraid, but you're not a coward, are you? Certainly, you're no hero either. There are some things you're afraid of, and some people, too. And that should never be, you should never be afraid of men. You aren't afraid of me? Or are you?"

"Oh, no, not at all. "

"Exactly. But there are people you are frightened of?"

"I don't know...Why don't you let me be?" He kept pace with me--I had quickened my steps with thoughts of escaping--and Ifelt him glancing at me from the side.