The Ability To Feel

Friends=Loneliness Pt.1

"Hey, guess what?"

"Don't say it!"

"Chicken butt, ha! I just made it 700,000 times funnier!"

"Oh my god!! It's not even funny!!" I yell out, slightly hitting her arm.

My best friend. She's always happy, always talking, always excited. Kind of like a puppy.

"Hey look!" My best friend pointed towards a girl.

"Come on! Let's go say hi!" She said pulling my arm towards that direction.

I pull my arm away, "Um. . . .Actually, how about we go this way instead."

I start to walk the other way. My puppy like friend follows close behind.

"Why? Are yo-"

"It's just that. . . .the bell is about to ring and I want to be close by to my class." I say then continue to walk quickly down the hall.

"Oh ok then. . . . but is everything okay? You seem. . . .so out of it."

"Y-yeah. . . everything's totally fine, I just don't want to be too far from my class." I assured her.

"Oh ok, if you say so. But if anything's wrong, you know you can talk to me."

"Yeah, I know." I replied with a smile.

"Oh my gosh Mariah! You won't believe what happened last night!! Ok so. . . . ."

I was trying to listen to her story but all I could focus on was the pain I felt in my heart. I felt guilty for avoiding her. I wanted to say hi, but when I looked towards her I started to feel pain.

Why? She hasn't even done anything to hurt me. Is it because of what I told her?

I don't know why I have to be like this. I wish I could be different. I wish I didn't have to act this way.

Now it's my fault that I have lost her.

"Mariah!"

"W-what!? What happened?" I blinked snapping back to reality.

"You weren't even paying attention to my story!"

"Oh, sorry, just tell me it again," I said rubbing my eyes so it would look like I was tired.

"Are you sure you're okay Mariah? Cuz you don't seem like it."

"Yeah, I'm just tired," I replied as the bell rang.

"Look, just tell me the rest at lunch"

"Ok" we both then went our separate ways to our classes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I entered the classroom. I have guitar class for my 1st-period, so I went to go get my guitar out of the locker and sat by one of my close friends.

"Hey" she said.

"Hey"

"Ugh!! I'm so tired!! Ok so yesterday I. . . . ." As she was talking, I started to doze off again. I was thinking about what happened the day before.

"Hey."

"Hey." I said with a smile.

I'm so nervous right now. Am I really going to do this?? What if it ruins our friendship. What am I saying! Why would this ruin our friendship??? I'm just telling the truth. Besides, we've gotten pretty close over last year, she deserves to know.

"So what was it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Uhh. . . . " I looked away from her.

"I uh. . .well the thing is I. . . ." I couldn't find the right words to tell her.

"I. . . . .I forgot what I was going to tell you." I said with a light chuckle.

"Really?"

"Yeah, sorry I brought you here for no reason," I said with a sheepish smile.

"It's ok, str-"

"Hey! Mariah!" someone called waving a hand in my face. It was my friend.

I blinked, coming back to reality, "Hm? What?"

"You dozed off. Are you ok? You seem distracted"

I rubbed my eyes, "Uh. . .Yeah, I'm just tired, that's all." I sighed.

"Oh, well try to stay awake today." She said placing her hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah." I picked up my guitar and began practicing each note and chord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's now second period, public speaking class. All we do in this class is go over the rules, even though it seems a bit boring it can actually be quite fun, the teacher is actually pretty funny. But today I'm not in much of a laughing mood, I still cant get over yesterday.

Ugh! it's 5:30 and I still haven't texted her!

I need to tell her. I just can't screw up like this morning.

I took out my phone.

Ok, I can do this.

Me: Hey

Her: Hey

Me: About this morning. . . .

I paused. Do I really want to do this?

Me:. . . what I wanted to tell you is that um. . .

Am I actually going to do this??

Her: What is it?

Yes. I need to tell her, it's now or never.

Me: This is probably gonna seem really weird but I'm. . . .

No turning back now.

Me: . . . I'm gay. . . .

Did I really do it? Did I really tell her?

Me: Also. . . . .

Me: . . . .I like you. . . .