A Diary Kind Of Thing

Saturday, 10th September, 2016

Well this is fucking shit, isn't it?
Life.
Just
Fucking
Life.
Who am I? Oh, sorry, let me introduce myself.
Hi! I'm Ellie! I'm that nice girl, that "good person" that everyone uses and shits on just because they know I'm too "nice" to do anything about it. Am I nice? Am I really? Fuck no. No way. While you open me up, fill my heart into your hands then crush it into a million pieces, for no reason at all, then say "oh, you're a good person, you should be able to understand" Fuck that!
While you're there preaching about how nice I am, does it occur to you what I'm thinking??
Does it?
How when every single smile you see is faked to perfection, to cover how bat-shit crazy I am, to hide how scared I am, to shield my vulnerability. Does it occur to you that when everyday I bitch and moan about being tired, does it cross your mind that I'm tired because I was up all night, balling my eyes out, screaming into my pillow, watching my own blood trickle down my leg and hit the floor?
No?
That doesn't occur to you?
Well then surprise bitches! The good person has fucking feelings, and is just way too scared to let anyone know. Okay? Is that okay with you?
Can I just have one day where I can sink into the shadows and keep my head buried into the crook of my elbow and just cry and curse and plan every scenario in which to kill myself, allow me one day?
Then there's the people who accidentally hurt you. Ohohoho they are the worst. They make you feel loved and you trust them and you give a little bit of yourself to them, but what do they do? Nothing else but throw it away.
Dick beads.
I'm so sick and tired of being that person that everyone tramples over just because, because what? Because they think I can't feel what they're doing?
I've had enough.
I heard a quote today, something along the lines of "you can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to things you don't want to feel"
If that's the case, then I really only have one option, one option that could stop all the pain forever...

A/N: So I decided to write this.
It's gonna get tough, just remember in this book it will be 100% true, not a single bit will be made up. Everything I write is what I'm thinking, events are things that have actually happened.
There will be points where it's less dark, I do have good days, mostly though, it's so dark I can't even see my hand in front of me.
Thank you for reading X