A Diary Kind Of Thing

Friday 17th February, 2017

Good Valentines?

    Me neither to be honest.

    I was with this girl, I kinda like her, she's kinda great. We kinda get each other, like we've both been through some fucked up shit but we can relate to each other and for some reason when you put us two together, two people with countless mental issues, together we're actually okay.

    And it's when I'm with her that most of my problems just...disappear. And with my relationships in the past, I still kinda think about them a lot, and I still get upset about them. A lot. But with this girl, I almost forget about them. She makes life tolerable. Makes it worth living.

    But there's a good side and a bad side.

    Good side:
I like her,
She likes me

    Bad side:
She was in a long distance relationship for nearly three years, and they only broke up a day or so before valentines day,
Of course, she's all heartbroken,
She still likes him

    But he was kind of a dick soooo,,,

    But with things like this I try my absolute hardest to not let my selfish side out. Because either way she's still my friend, and she's upset, and it's my duty as her mate to try to cheer her up when she's having a hard time. So if that means just leaving off with the lovey dovey shit then I'm okay with that.

    But I got a bit carried away on valentines day. Whoops.

    I asked her out. She said yes.

    But,

    Next day, she meets me and said that she was talking to her boyfriend through the night. I'm cool with that, obviously, but she got confused over who she like and wotnot, and so she wanted to break up (if you can even call it that considering we didn't even go out for 24hrs).

    But then yesterday, we almost kissed. Like, she wanted to, but was too nervous. And I suck at first moves.

    So we were just kinda hugging and had our faces quite close to each other because we both wanted to do something but couldn't, it was quite funny actually.

    But then as much as I try to hide it, I'm still afraid that it's all gonna go tits up like my other relationships. Like, the one before last, I think about her every day. Every single fucking day. I still love her. Of course I do. I believe that once you love someone, if it actually is love, that love never goes away, it's always there. No matter if you're with someone or not. And I think that's the hardest bit. Cause in your head you're having a go at yourself for thinking about your ex when you're with someone else that you could potentially love, but that is actually completely okay. Especially if that person seriously hurt you, and they were important to you. And it's even harder if you see them pretty much every day.

    My ex, we're in the same form in school. So everyday I see them for at least 20mins in the morning and 10mins in the afternoon, not including if I see them around school during the day.

    For a long period of time we weren't talking either, and I was so so close to being able to fully move on, but then she spoke to me. And smiled at me. Just looking at me, cause when we weren't talking she was avoiding eye contact with me at all costs.

    And then she strolls back into my life, acting as if she done nothing wrong. But that fucking hurts. She, and anybody else for that matter, has absolutely no clue how fucking fucked up I was. How I basically collapsed inside. I just gave up. I'd lost one too many people. She helped me so much. It was all faked, but that still helped, I still fell for it. And I still hurt.

    But there are bigger things going on. One of my friends said to me the other day that there are much bigger things happening in the world that I should be worrying about rather than relationships, but the thing is, I don't care about the other stuff. I care about her.

    Y'know?