A Diary Kind Of Thing

Wednesday 2nd November, 2016

I am so fucking pissed off right now.

I had a rough night last night. Really rough.

I tried doing things that would usually help, but they didn't work.

During the day I just felt nothing. Like I wasn't really there, even though I was. I could feel things and touch things and eat things and see things so technically there should be nothing wrong, but it's the complete opposite. Everything is wrong. Everything is wrong and you feel so scared but there's fuck all you can do it about it. You just want to sit there and cry and find a way to get all your emotions out but NOTHING FUCKING WORKS!!

So what does my genius brain decide to do? You can guess. Here, I'll give you a clue:

They sting in the shower.

Yep. I did that. Again.

i had made numerous promises to people in the past about not doing it, but thanks to my massive dickhead self I managed to mak them all hate me, so some part of me thought "fuck it, if they hate you, they don't give a fuck whether you hurt yourself or not"

So I did.

And I guess it kinda helped. Then i accidentally slipped up to someone when i was talking to them. We both had been upset the whole day, and they wanted to be left alone for the majority of the day, but when we spoke at the end of the day (more like the middle of the night), I asked them if they had harmed, and BAM. They knew I did.

Turns out I still have at least one person who still cares about me, or at least acts likes it. They made me promise to not do it again, or to atleast try not to. So I promised I'd try, with the assurance that they'd try too.

So I woke up this morning still feeling completely shitty, but I can actually feel today. Sometimes when I have that "nothing" feeling it takes away the pain, and the upset, but when I can actually feel al that emotion is there and it hits even harder. I just feel so low all the time. I just want to fucking die you know. I'm at that level of lowness. I'm not going to do anything stupid, before you go reporting me or some shit, because I made a promise to someone who means a lot to me, and to be honest I'm too low to even try. Like, it's just way too much effort.

And then earlier i had a few hours of burning rage. Like I wanted to just go out and walk and walk and walk and to not stop untill I'm somewhere that I've never been and I don't know anyone there. To just get lost in the walk. That, or hit someone.

Sometimes when I get low one of the emotions that goes through me is anger (I guess I have a lot to be angry about?) and I just get pissed at pretty much everyone, even if they haven't done anything wrong. But when they have done something wrong, ohohoho someone is going to die.

And guess what some other genius did? Nothing other than starting an argument with me!

To be honest I was just blunt as fuck and gave them blunt and brutally honest answers, knowing all the while that he's being used as a puppet by someone else that I used to be friends with. And in his defence I was a dick to him and i except that and I take full responsibility for what I did, and if he had just talked to me about it then I wouldn't be so pissed. But he just messaged me out of the blue and started biting my head off, and it was fucking hillarious cause he was talking to me like I'm the only oe that's done something wrong, when in reality I know everything that he's done too. I know that he's been slagging me off (to the person who's using him like a puppet, who will from now on be called "puppet master")so I brought that up to him and he avoided what I said. Maybe he was acepting what he did too, or maybe he was ignoring it, I don't know.

Then he asks me to tell the truth about something, and I told him the God's honest truth, yet he chose to not believe me becase the truth makes the puppet master look bad, and he has a thing for the pupet master. And that pissed me off even more. But whatever. He'll realise I'm right when the puppet master goes slagging him off to everyone and yet still manages to make him do all her dirty work.

Anyways I've lost the appetite to write now so long story short we had an argument, and now I guess they're tryna help me and act like they want to be friends again but I know they really don't. It's fucking weird. I'l keep you updated.