I Wanted To Fall [boyxboy]

I Wanted To Fall ~ 1

It was windy.

There were big, white clouds in the sky. They were the kind of clouds that would eventually become dark storm clouds. They were the kind of clouds that brought heavy rainfall, thunder, and lightning. They were my favorite kind of clouds.

The sky outside was a light gray. It was the middle of October so the leaves on all the trees were starting to change colors. They went from bright, lush greens to dull oranges and browns. The leaves fell silently from the trees and onto the sidewalk where they crunched under the feet of those who stepped on them. Then the cool wind would sweep up the crumbled pieces and they'd soar upwards, through the air. I sometimes wished I was a dead leaf.

I loved looking out my bedroom window.

My parents weren't home. Dad was at work and my step mom was probably at a bar with her friends, getting drunk. It was just me and my mind. Me and my thoughts. I pushed myself up off my mattress that squeaked every time I got off of it, and closed my geography textbook. I planned on finishing my homework later.

Taking a deep breath, I stepped over to my mirror and looked into it. A lifeless face looked back at me. I was dressed in a blue hoodie I used to cover up my arms. My jeans were ripped and my sneakers were old and torn from how much I've worn them. My curly brown mop of hair was sticking out in random places and directions. Nothing I did would make it do what I wanted. I closed my eyes, counted to ten, then opened them.

My bottom lip was busted.

There was dried blood all along my chin and mouth. It stung but I didn't touch it or clean it up. What was the point?

The longer I stared at my reflection in the mirror, the more I began hating what I saw. The more I began hating myself. Running a couple fingers through my greasy hair, I let my head drop forward some. In the mirror I saw a boy who was useless. A boy no one needed. A boy no one loved. And by no one, I mean no one. I don't even love myself. I huffed and rubbed at my face, my green eyes squeezing shut. I felt numb to all the pain but I still wanted it to go away.

Then I got an idea.

'Maybe . . . ' My mind wondered as I turned my head back to stare out the window. I looked down at the empty driveway at the front of the house, and chewed at my bottom lip - avoiding the place where it was busted. My elbows rested against the window sill. No one was here. Maybe now would be the perfect time to do it. Now, I could finally end my suffering; my pain. And it's not like anyone would miss me.

I took a few steps back and away from the window, my arms dropping down to my sides. I then pulled the dark blue hood of my jacket over my head, quickly shoving my hands deep into the pockets. My eyes searched my room, as if looking for something. The place was a mess. My clothes were all over the floor, my desk was covered in papers, and all my pillows and blankets where out of place.

A soft sigh left my mouth.

Then I ran. I bounded out of the room and down the stairs, skipping the last two steps by jumping onto the ground below. I threw open the front door and ran down the street. I wasn't thinking. I was just moving as if I was a machine with no mind of it's own. When I ran, I felt free. Nothing could stop me now.

Down the street I went; my feet pounding against the sidewalk like a heart beat. Faster, faster, faster. Beads of sweat started forming on my forehead despite the cool, autumn wind. Then it, a tall apartment building, came into view. I sped up until I was running as fast as I could possibly run. When I finally made it to the building, I slowed to a jog. I started climbing the stairs, taking two at a time as my breath came out in huffy, broken pants.

Soon, I reached the very top of the apartment building and, very tiredly, bent over. I was struggling to get my breath back. My arms wrapped themselves around my abdomen where I was starting to feel the cramps. My hood had fallen off during the run over and my hair was sticking to my forehead.

My feet moved on their own and soon I was walking towards the very edge of the roof. I leaned over and stared down at the concrete ground beneath me. It was a long way down from here. A fall from this high up was sure to kill someone. And that's what I wanted.

I smiled. Something I hadn't done in years.

I'd be contemplating suicide for a couple of months to be honest, but I'd never gotten the chance to actually do anything. My stepmother was usually home and she wouldn't let me leave the house, let alone my room half the time. I would sometimes sneak a knife into my room late at night where I would cut light marks into my wrists. I liked the feeling of being in control. I never wanted to kill myself with a knife though. Seemed too painful. I wanted something that would be quick and easy . . .

I moved closer until my toes were hanging off the edge. Then I turned around slowly so my back was to the edge. Now my heels were hanging off. I closed my eyes and slowly lifted my arms up, holding them out to my sides like a letter T. I could feel the breeze blowing against my warm face, cooling me off. The wind tossed and jostled my hair around carelessly. It felt nice.

No one was going to miss me. I was like one of those leaves I had seen earlier. Once I fell, I'd die. That'd be the end of it. I was replaceable. I was just one of many. No one cared about me or what was going to happen to me. Without me . . . the world would just keep spinning. Everyone would simply move on. Why not end my life?

I took a deep breath and straightened up my back. I let my muscles relax until I felt as limp as a wet noodle. I was ready. I was ready to fall.

I let my body take over my mind and my heels slipped off the edge. I waited to feel the wind pushing up against me. I waited for the moment I'd finally, after so many years, feel numb.

But. That moment never came.

Something, or more likely, someone, grabbed onto the front of my jacket.