moving forward

constellations of you

9/11/16

i didn't know it would hurt so bad until i locked myself in the bathroom, eyes red and stinging, my heart so heavy in my chest that i felt as if i would sink through into the grounds below. i didn't want it to be real.

 i thought i had moved on. it had been almost two weeks. two weeks since we had broken off my first ever emotionally involved relationship. my first love, hope, and my biggest dream come true. it had gone from a fairy tale to a nightmare. 

i was beginning to blossom again, to pick up the dead petals and replant myself into new soil until i recieved your message. i remember the exact date, down to the very second. my heart had broken all over again.

the things i thought would never been mentioned even close to the sweet talk you usually spoke appeared on my screen, right in front of my gray eyes.

you had always told me how much you loved my eyes. that you could look into them, as if they could transcend the medium, so full of life and soul and a certain kind of love, a love that only you had recieved. and i loved your big brown eyes just as much. they filled me with warmth and the sensation of knowing. i could be broken down and just look into your eyes, and just see home. i could see the stars within the depths of your eyes. the constellations of you.

but the words you sent were bitter. you accused me of the things i would never think of doing, because i had loved you and never wanted to hurt you. and you had found a replacement. a new person, to come and take my place. to hold her just like you had once held me. that she was your new everything.

except her eyes weren't the same eerie gray as mine, but a brilliant blue that was full of excitement and new beginnings. 

i wanted so badly to be happy for you. but nothing hurt worse than to think you had moved on in such little time.

i just want you to promise me something. promise me, that sometime in your life, maybe while you're on break at work, maybe when you're smoking a cigarette, when you're walking home in the rain or maybe even when you're high. promise me that you will think of me. that you will remember everything that we had and everything that we were. and think to yourself, i had been your everything once, too.

i'm so sorry. but i will never stop loving you.