09/13/2016 Ain't no rest for the wicked

Sleepless in the city

"When you have insomnia, nothing is real. You're never really asleep. And you're never really awake. Everything is just a copy of a copy of a copy." - fight club

  I haven't slept very well since that night. I can't let my mind wander. I find myself even in company, drifting off and reliving  the moment. Hyperventilating. I'm always on edge now. I run to my car, I hate crowds, but I don't feel comfortable alone. I trust no one. My "friend" who was with me at the party knows what happened and is only concerned if I could ever have feelings for him. "He can't keep torturing himself."

  Let me be clear, I do not like him. I wanted a friend but I guess he won't be that for me. I don't have many friends. People leave and move on which, while I understand their want to have their own lives, I just want people as friends. No one is ever my friend. They have ulterior motives,  wanting to sleep with me or having desperation. I am not particularly pretty, or popular, so I don't understand why the only people I find seem to be after sex.

  I have recently had a falling out with my boyfriend and I don't want anyone new. Especially now. After all that violation of my body and mind, I don't want any kind of romantic relationship for awhile. I would like to say I would never like to be in a relationship, but I know things change with time and my mind may change. 

  Without sleep, my vision changes. One eye will black out, or it takes several minutes to regain my sight after a nap. My eating has become sparaatic and unhealthy, but I'm just trying to get through my day.

  Rehearsal is rigorous and my choreography is starting to suffer. It's difficult with the friend watching me and asking me if I would ever "like" him. And anyone else who knows of my recent issues doesn't acknowledge it. No one asks me how I'm doing or if I'm working through this, they actually confront me with their own recent problems. I'm not belittling their problems, but I have a mental crisis on my hands and I can't always be concentrating on them. I feel like sexual assault and rape are things people just want to ignore and pretend like it doesn't happen. It does happen. And now I need to find away to cope with that.

  I need to figure out how to take care of myself.
Without sleep, my whole world gets more challenging than usual. I think I'm scared to be alone with my mind, telling me I'm gross and that I deserve what happened. I think it's my fault. I think people will think it's my fault. But it can't be, right? That sort of thing isn't a persons fault. I keep trying to tell that to myself but now that it's happened to me twice, I feel there must be something wrong with me. I want to slip into old habits that have become more and more inviting.

  Cutting, starving, puking, suicide attempts. They all look so inviting. Do you know what point you have to be at mentally to make those things sound wonderful? I'm at that point. I have survived seven suicide attempts and have been hospitalized for a couple times. My second hospital experience, is the reason I don't attempt anymore. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and I promised myself next time next "attempt" I would succeed. The only thing stopping me is fear I will survive, that I'll be sent back to that nasty place.

  Isolated, treated like cattle, mocked by the staff, the only comfort there was the fact you knew other people were going through the same treatment in the ward. You're roommate, if you were lucky enough to have one, could be your saving grace. Occasionally disturbing the silence or talking to you. My first roommate, was a miracle. A 74 year old with back pain and insomnia doesn't sound like much help but she was wonderful. She didn't speak much, but I remember when I was having a panic attack, crying and shaking while trying to tell my mom I couldn't stay at the hospital. The lady stood up and walked over silently, putting her arm over my shoulder and breathing steadily. She held me until I calmed down and then without pausing, she stood up and returned to her book. I had never met this woman before but she was much nicer than anyone on the staff. I thanked her after hanging up the phone.
"It's okay," she had said, "it's hard to see someone in that much pain." Oddly enough, her acknowledgement that I was in pain, made me feel validated.

  I still think about that experience a lot, even as the years begin to distance me from the memories. Sleeping was an escape for me there. It always had been a place where nothing was so bad anymore. Now, with no sleep, I am trapped perpetually in misery and guilt. I try routine, I try all those tips they tell you on the internet, I just can't seem to convince my body to sleep. I wake up all the time, I can't fall asleep, and I feel exhausted. I wake up with puffy eyes and drool all over my pillow, I find myself falling asleep for an hour or so in strange places I normally wouldn't which adds to my paranoia and generally feeling of being in danger.

  Things are going to get better, that's what I keep telling myself. Everything will make sense again, but just not yet. I just want to sleep, I want to forget, I want to wake up as a different person, without fear. Maybe someday I can be that person, but for now, I am stuck trying to struggle through this as just Margo.

I hope you have a restful nights' sleep and a wonderful day!

Love and respect,

Margo Elizabeth Ross