Finding Her Light

Chapter 2 The beginning of the end

     I am a drug addict and I am a hypocrite! I walk down a sidewalk,  pass someone in a store, or just scroll through my social media and automatically judge them.  Do I know these people? No. I know nothing about them yet I see there clothes, tattoos, sunken cheeks or I listen to the stories told about them and my opinion is made up. It is so easy to judge someone without knowing who they are or why they are in the situation they are in. I hide my tattoos and cover my scars with makeup and pretty clothes so what makes me any different than them? Nothing! It makes me worse because I survived and rather than using my story to give them hope I run away. I pretend they don't exist because it's the easy thing to do. It's what most of my family did while I was in active addiction.
My family either disowned me or just ignored my drug use because it was easier than fighting with me,watching me waste away, or actually having to talk or listen to chaos in my head. I can't tell you how often I prayed that someone would grab me and hold me. That they would just ask me what is going on in my head and that they would love me until I loved myself. The problem was if I spoke the words that were killing me it would not just hurt me. It meant that those who loved me the most would have to confront those issues and no matter how much they wanted me clean and healthy it couldn't happen. Maybe your addicts truth has nothing to do with you but how do you begin to save them if you don't know what's wrong? And you I know your not ready in fact your addiction will kill you before you are ready to talk. Please tell them what has happened or how you fell so they can pick you up and you can live. No matter what you have done you deserve to live and You deserve happiness! If you haven't heard it today I love you and I will forgive you until you forgive yourself.
If your like so many who know nothing about addiction it's time to get a reality check. Everything is not black and white! No one woke up one morning and decided they would become a drug addict. You can be angry and choose to disown them because God only knows the hell they put you through on a daily basis. They probably deserve every feeling and emotion you have towards them. Here's the thing you once loved your addict but something happened. Somewhere one thing happened and before you give up on them find there demon or demons. Understand that they are lost right now and unless someone finds them and helps them hold that pain they will be lost forever!
And so begins the first of many pieces of my puzzle. While there were many before and after that we will get to this one has broken me over and over again. Ten years later and I still felt every emotion as I were there but with more regret because I could have held on to my mom and my family. Instead I couldn't understand what was happening and why it was happening. Gah the pain it hurt so bad and I couldn't make it stop on my own so I did what came easy. I drank and partied it all away and I wish I could say this was the end but it was only the breaking point.

   "Poppy is headed to the hospital he is really sick and you need to come now." I heard my brothers voicemail just as I was passing in front of the hospital and quickly turned in.

I was standing outside the ER door when the ambulance pulled up. The doors opened and there they were his lounge shorts. I don't know why it was the first thing I noticed. Not my mom or the EMT's trying to save his life as they rushed passed me. I didn't understand anything that was going on and I was told to sit in the waiting room. I don't know how long my brother Greg, his fiancé Lauren her mom and I sat there.

Margie stood up and replied, " Your dad is in the back would you like me to take you to the back to see him?"

"Yes" I answered and started walking with her past the nurses station through the double doors.

The familiar face of someone who had graduated a few years before me smiled and I asked " What room is Calvin in?"

"I'm sorry but Mr. H passed away a few minutes ago." He continued talking but I couldn't hear a sound. My legs were numb and I could no longer stand I felt arms catch me as I fell to the floor. Every memory I had with him came  flooding back. Was this real? Would I wake up and this be a nightmare? He cant be dead he promised me he would always be here. That he would never leave and he never breaks his promises.I felt Margie shake me and with a gentle voice ask if I wanted to go in and see him. I nodded.