Finding Her Light

authors note... little insight into me

Hello beautiful people Shea here... I hope your all having a wonderful weekend I was
playing with my myspace this morning Yes lol myspace don't hate because myspace used to be the shiznit back in the day.... Anyways getting off task here first Ide like to say I'm almost done with the next chapter it will hopefully be up today yayyayyayyayyaya!!! and back to the myspace thing so I was playing on it laughing at the craziness and I came across some blogsand thought I would share .

RIP Poppy 10-5-07 5 days after my daddy passed

This blog is about my daddy Calvin Hall because he was the best man in the world. He taught me so much about life and how it should be lived. He was my best friend, confidant, and parent! I am so proud to be the daughter of a man who was so highly respected and thought of. My daddy died very unexpectedly and was than buried soon after. I learned that day how many people knew him and just thought the world of him. I also learned how much he cared for me that day through the words of his friends telling me how he talked about my daughter and myself all the time. I also never realized what great friends I have bc without you guys I would not have made it. Mrs. Donna, Tyson, and Heather thank you so much for taking care of me that first day I was lost and you held me up. And Brett for coming over in the middle of the night to see me for a few minutes and being with me during the service and after you were the comfort I needed to get through it. There really aren't words to express my thanks and I am forever grateful to ya'll. And Adam I know you couldn't be there but you don't know how much you helped just talking to me. I also wanna thank everyone else for your thoughts and prayers through this trial. I have decided that I will honor and praise the days he was alive and not mourn his death bc that is what he would have wanted. I miss you Poppy and I love you so much. You will never be forgotten!!!

To Poppy My Inspiration 10-06-08 only 13 days before my prince charming Stephan passed

Noone ever really reads these things so I find it a great venting process but honestly I don't really have anything to vent about. My life had been at such a hault. Like a painted ship on a painted sea. But now... everything is movin as it should. I'm in love. The person I love is myself. Not in a conceited way but a way that a mother loves her child. Honest to God in love. and its beautiful. Im growing up and hell yeah its scary but it happens and it too is beautiful. I'm beginning to understand what life is all about. And its not necessarily about becoming someTHING but about becoming someONE. And I think I am in the process of doing that . I have learned to love, be honest, forgive, control myself, and laugh at my flaws. I have learned this in a very short amount of time. And I o it all to one person. Poppy (my dad) may he Rest in Peace. Poppy you have impacted my life so much, I can't describe it. You have changed me for the better I only wish it didn't take losing you for this to happen. I can't thank you enough you have taught me so many things. So many things I would have never learned without having you in my life. Yes we had hard times but you were always there for me. Yes I knew there were times you wanted to give up on me but you never did. There are so many things I wish I could say to you in person and I know one day I will. I have a lifetime to live and when we do meet again I know it will be a joyous occasion. Until than though you along with Kaleigh will be my insperation to be the person you told me so many times you wanted me to be.

My 18th birthday you gave me a card that said

"Noone can count on the future or know what they someday might do. But could I have chosen a daughter, my heart would have settled on you- I'd wished for your warm disposition and dreamed of your spirit and style, I'de have hoped for your love and affection, imagined your beautiful smile.Life holds some gifts and surprises, andne of the best there could be Is having a daughter as lovely and the one who was given to me.

that right there Poppy is something I now can give back to you. If I had a choice of a father you would be him...

You wrote words on that card that are in my heart everyday I won't put them on here because there mine to cherish... But just know that I will live by those words each and everyday of my life....

Searching Needing Something 2/22/09

I thought I would write this blog tonight in an effort to hopefully find someone who could put some light to my thoughts but am now thinking that maybe I'm writing it to finally allow my feelings to just be let out instead of being bottled up inside. Maybe letting it out instead of fighting it is what I need to finally be at peace with myself. I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted from life and who I wanted to be. I thought I would grow up fall in love, have babies, and live happily ever after. Boy was I wrong. Ecspecially when I figured out that in an instant everything can be taken away and there is nothing I can do about it and the more I fight to make it all better the further I fall. I used to think that my prince charming would just come sweep me off my feet but what happens when your prince is swept off the face of the earth. I thought my daddy would always be there for me to pick up the pieces and to tell me everything would be okay. Wrong again. This cruel game life plays with us is as mystifying to me as what will come tomorrow. There are times when I'm afraid to fall asleep bc I don't want to know what will happen tomorrow or if there will even be a tomorrow. My mind, my heart, and my emotions are in a constant battle with one another. I feel like I'm fighting myself and at times don't think I'm winning. Theres something missing in my life and the harder I search for it the farther it runs from me. But what is it that I don't have in my life that I need so badly that eats away at me. I pray to God begging him to show me, to help me find this missing link that keeps me awake so many nights but for now I guess I'll keep searching for whatever it is thats holding me back..

plz leave comments let me know what u think even if its just to tell me Im crazy lol love yall