Missing Joshua | Book 2 (SEVENTEEN)

4 - Reputation For Running

I don't think I've searched my name on the internet since my trainee days. SM trainees are kind of a big deal, so even as a trainee I had a lot of time to adjust to the spotlight. Yet, once the agency had read the letters from my doctor about my health, they'd dropped me like a hot potato.

I guess I'm feeling paranoid from my contact with Joshua over the last couple of days, and that paranoia is what's prompted me to search my name. I hold my breath as I type it into Google. Amy Cho.

A few Facebook profiles come up, completely unrelated to me, and a couple of ancient netizen posts from years ago. Looks like my identity hasn't been revealed. Thank goodness.

I'm about to close down my laptop when I pause for a moment. There's something very important that I haven't checked yet.

I type in the date of the fansign, and then "Joshua" afterwards.

The front page is peppered with results from numerous fansites. I know many of them, as I'd stalked a few of their pages when I was in university, just "checking up" on Joshua.

Among the top results, a familiar flash of color catches my eye. Slowly, my breath leaves my lungs as I click on a video icon of Joshua talking to a girl with a red hairclip.

The same red hairclip as me.

Sure enough, as the video loads and plays, it's pretty obvious that our exchange didn't go unnoticed. The fan had caught everything - Joshua's shocked expression, him grabbing hold of my wrist. The clip had been retweeted hundreds of times.

I flinch and shut down the laptop. Of course. I had told myself before I left for Korea that this was a bad, bad idea, and that only bad things would come from it. Why did I not listen?

That's it. I'm leaving as soon as possible.

~

I had made a lot of friends in university who are kpop fans. When I'd mentioned that I'd be visiting Korea, they sent me away with a list of merch to bring back for them.

I decide to stop by one of my favorite music stores before I leave. I had thought that it might have closed down, but sure enough, it's still here, all these years later.

I smile as I check out all the Seventeen goods. There is so much to choose from. Fans, stationery, banners, CDs, even plushies. Maybe I should buy a Joshua plushie?

... Amy. What is wrong with you? How old are you?

I sigh, and tear my eyes away from the cute merchandise. Just as I'm about to head over to the EXO goods, someone taps me on the shoulder.

I turn around to see a short girl, who looks at me worriedly.

"Ah, annyeonghaseyo," she bobs her head.

I return the greeting, and smile. She does look really worried.

"Ah..." The girl's eyes trail to my hair. "Unnie... Are you a Carat? I think I've seen you somewhere before..."

My hand goes up to my hair, and comes in contact with my hairclip. The same red hairclip that I'd worn to the fansign.

My face must have given myself away. The girl's eyes widen slightly, then she bows her head apologetically. "Unnie, I'm so sorry. I'm the owner of Diamond Joshua, one of Joshua's oldest fansites. I was the one who recorded you meeting Joshua. I didn't know the video would go viral. I tried to remove it, but it got reuploaded. I hope it doesn't cause any scandal. I'm sorry, unnie."

My mouth hangs open dumbly, and I quickly close it again. "Oh. It's okay." So, the owner of Diamond Joshua is responsible. I don't really know what else to say.

The girl looks really awkward. "I am really sorry, unnie... What will you do?"

I'm still in a state of shock, and don't really know how to respond. "I'm going home now."

The sooner I leave, the better.

~

The Pledis building never really changes, but I'm glad I get to see it one last time.

Compared to other company buildings, it's quite plain. I liked that about Pledis, though. They know they aren't one of the biggest companies, and they're humble about it.

I'm not going to come back here again. This is the last time I'll see this building.

Just as I'm turning away, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out, and frown.

"You have a reputation for running away."

The voice behind me echoes the words in the text. Damn it. He really knows how to make things as hard as possible for me.

I turn around with a confident smile on my face. "Who says I'm running away?" I say.

"Eunseo." Joshua tilts his head at me. He wears casual clothes and a long dark coat. A beanie hat hides his fringe, and his face mask is pulled down past his chin.

Eunseo. I can't tell her anything. My smile falters.

Joshua takes a step towards me. "If you're going to leave, don't leave on bad terms."

"Oh, we're fine," I say, hurriedly. "I was just stopping by for a few moments. I'm heading off soon."

"You've been staring at the building for twenty minutes. Are you sure you have somewhere to be?" Joshua says casually, walking past me.

I bite my lip to stop myself from making another stupid comeback.

"Come on," Joshua walks past me. "Let's go meet up with the other members."

~

In the back room of a nearby restaurant, the members of Seventeen sit around a table loaded with fresh BBQ meats and food. Different staff members are with them, too.

My face goes red as I follow Joshua into the room, but hardly anyone notices me. They're all busy chatting with each other. Vernon gives me a big grin though, and greets me cheerily.

"Amy Cho! Wow, this takes me back to the pre-debut days," he says, shuffling closer to Mingyu to make more room. He pats the space beside him at the end of the table, and I gratefully take the spot. Joshua sits on my other side.

The nostalgia is strong, sitting next to Vernon and Joshua. All of the others carry on talking over the food, and start to get louder once the drinks come out.

It takes me a while before I feel comfortable with them all. I try not to look at Joshua, but before long, I lose the fight.

I rest my elbow on the table, and throw a glance in his direction.

He's looking straight back at me. Damn.

I challenge myself to not look away. He's looking at me with no shame at all. Minute after minute passes, with neither of us giving up. I quickly forget the time, as time no longer seems to exist.

After what seems like forever, Joshua says something. I can barely catch what he says over the noise of everyone talking, but I read his lips.

"Don't go."

My cheeks blush a little harder, but it might have been from the drink.

"Okay," I mouth back.

My heartbeat falters a bit as - to my surprise - he smiles. This smile is different to the smile at the fansign. This one is more genuine.

A smile just for me.

My mind is suddenly flooded with memories. All the times we'd walked through the park together, telling each other our deepest thoughts and philosophies, or even just the small things like complaining about the drama between our friends, or the tiredness from our trainee schedules. We knew each other. I remember being so infatuated with Joshua. My phone wallpaper had a photo of him for years. I'd set alerts for updates from his fansites.

But above all, I had loved the person that was Joshua.

My heart aches at this thought, and I finally tear my eyes away from him.

~