Bound

7-9

chapter 7

"is it weird, that i'm accidentally stumbling upon songs that remind me of you and i?" elisa says one spring break day. we're sitting sideways on the couch across from each other, talking about college and a future.
"no, it's happening to me too," i reply. "psychotic romantic by miss may i, rebel love song by black veil brides, hold on til may by pierce the veil, etcetera."
"hold on til may?" elisa says.
"yeah, because you'll be 18 in may, and you'll have your last paycheque from your job and have enough money to get your operation," i say.
elisa looks a tad bit surprised that i knew this. "right! it's gonna be awesome. what will it be like to have boobs, i wonder?" she pulls a face and makes me laugh.
"they're overrated," i say.
"really?"
"well, i'm okay with them, but they're just saggy lumps of fat."
"aaaggggh, don't tell me that!" elisa says, pretending to die. i laugh and pat her head.
"it's okay, you'll enjoy them." she sits up and plants a kiss on my knee.
"i love you."
"i know."
after a pause, we both crack up. "did we just quote star wars?" i ask in between giggles.
"yes," she says.
"that's adorable." we scooch together and hug, elisa burying her face in my jacket.
i'm still wearing long sleeves, even though my arm is healed. the scars are gross; they're raised brown lines crisscrossing my entire forearm. the stitches helped a little bit but the cuts were so deep that they were bound to scar. besides, they got infected because the operator's gloves weren't clean - he had rubbed his face with them. the infection was the worst pain i had ever felt. the actual laceration didn't hurt because i severed most of my nerves but when they repaired them, it hurt indescribably awfully.
elisa and i continue cuddling, talking about college.
"we're both accepted to university of maine in augusta, right?" i ask, just to double check. elisa replies affirmatively from next to me on the couch.
"i'm nervous, this is our last summer as young ones!" she says. she looks at me and i give her what i hope is a reassuring smile.
"well, we better make the most of it," i say.
elisa ends up curled on my stomach, with her arms around my waist.
"i don't know if i'm ready to be an adult," she says.
"why not?" i inquire.
"well, because it means i have to do everything by myself, and..." she trails off.
"and?"
"and i won't have you with me."
"says who?"
"i dunno. i just. i love you, beth, and i never want to be apart from you."
her honesty strikes me deeply. it's the best feeling in the world to know that you're wanted and not so fucked up that no one can save you.
"who says you'll have to? people will call this trashy, but we can live together during college. and maybe after a few years we'll want that for the rest of our lives."
she looks up at me. "you mean it?" she says, and her emotion is almost palpable.
"yes, of course i mean it," i say. "i love you more than you'll ever know."
"no, i think i know," she says, smiling. she moves her hands to either side of my head. her lips meet mine and i kiss her back with a passion i didn't know i had.
my jacket winds up on the floor, and my scars are kissed all over, elisa saying, "these are of the past and they don't need to weigh you down. this is a kiss goodbye."
of course, they don't actually go away, but their meaning is greatly lessened.
thanks to my dearest girlfriend, elisa coltrane.

chapter 8

"well, i missed you. i was cold and i couldn't get to sleep."
"aw, that's the sweetest thing i've heard today."
"it's basically the only thing you've heard today."
she laughs and I feel her hands on my face, fingers running over my lips and cheeks.
"god, beth, you are so pretty," she says.
"but you can't even see my face..." i reply, disarmed by the trails of heat her fingers leave on my face.
"no, that's true, but i can feel it, and that's just as good." i hear her lay down. "join me," she says, and i pat around to find her. i feel her arm out on one side, and i lie down in the crook of it. she's so warm... i fight the urge to just fall asleep right there.
"i missed you even though i know you're just a staircase away," i say, readying myself to bare my feelings to the cold wind. "i feel... i feel like i can't live without you. and i know, i know, it's only high school, but i've never been connected with anyone the way we're connected. elisa, i hope you understand this - i love you more than anything."
she was silent a moment too long.
when she spoke, her words were choked with emotion. "beth daley, you just made my day." i feel her arm move out from under me and suddenly her warmth surrounds me from above. "i understand completely," she breathes, her words warm on my face. "and i love you just as much, maybe even more." i feel her press down on top of me, her head resting in the space between my head and shoulder.
i wrap my arms around her and she kneels up, straddling my hips. her hands skate over my arms. she takes my hands and sets them on her face. i feel her hands on either side of my head amd i lean up, waiting for her.
her lips meet mine, fast and hard. i kiss her back with equal fervour.
"god, beth, you're hot," she says in between kisses.
i say nothing and grip the back of her head, pulling her closer. i can't get enough of her warmth and touch. my hands travel up and down her spine and she shivers. i feel her slowing down and i follow suit, leaving our lips locked in silence. her hands are on either side of my head and her body hovers above mine.
out of nowhere, her arms collapse and she falls on me, laughing.
"elisa?" i say, hands tight on her shirt.
"i'm okay," she laughs. "just absolutely elated, beth daley. you love me enough to kiss me while i'm male."

chapter 9

i'm a little stunned, and i take a second to process. "what?" i ask.
"oh, dear, beth, i'm a biological boy," elisa says, giggling uncontrollably.
"i know that, it just... it's kinda weird to think about," i say. "you're a girl to me, and that's that. i never think of you as a biological boy."
her giggles slow down and she catches her breath. "that... that means so much to me," she says. "thank you." she rolls off of me and hugs me from the side. i put my arm around her shoulders.
"it doesn't matter to me what nature gave you," i whisper. "if you say you're a girl, i believe you. if it matters to you, it matters to me."
"thank you so much," she whispers back, and kisses me, softly this time.
i kiss her back.

we ended up falling asleep cuddled like that, and we wake up around 5:30.
"oh boy," elisa says, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "you better get back to your room, my mom won't like that we fell asleep together..."
"shit," i mutter. i swing my legs over the edge of the bed and sit there for a second, trying to work up the strength to leave her.
as if she knows what i'm thinking, elisa says, "you'll see me soon. just go pretend to be asleep. i guarantee my mom will check on you."
"alright," i say. i kiss her forehead goodbye, watch her curl up in her bed and go to leave.
"wait, beth," she says.
i turn and see her blow me a kiss and wave. just a wiggling of her fingers.
i catch the kiss and press it to my heart. "see you soon," i whisper. i leave, shutting the door behind me with a click.
the house is dimly lit, blue in the early lack of good light. i trek up to my room, and it feels nice, so i end up falling asleep.
hanna wakes me up at 6:15 to shower and i accomplish the deed in 5 or less minutes. i dry off and dress in my typical black jeans and t-shirt. i shake my head a few times, achieving a perfect level of shagginess for my semi purple hair(the purple grew out since winter and now the ends are the only purple parts). it'll dry fluffy and elisa will love it.
she's already eating, dressed in a cadet blue pleated skirt and a white cold shoulder top. her honey coloured hair is perfectly straight and her mascara-coated eyelashes flutter at me when i emerge into the kitchen.
"hey," she says, waving at me in a comically exaggerated way. i laugh.
"morning," i say, and wrap my arms around her shoulders. "missed ya."
she laughs and blushes. "i missed you too, bethie."
she's the only one who gets to call me that. and only occasionally; it kinda bothers me.
i smile and retrieve the cinnamon toast crunch from the pantry, and pour myself a bowl. i sit down next to elisa and hold her hand while i eat my cereal.
hanna walks into the kitchen, yawning, and sniles at us. "morning, ladies," she says. elisa beams at her mother.
"hi," we say in unison, which results in a chorus of giggles from all three of us.
"how'd you sleep?" i ask hanna, spooning cereal into my mouth.
"pretty well. i woke up randomly at, like, 1:30 or something because i thought i heard something, but it was nothing."
i glance briefly at elisa, who's stifling laughter. "weird," i reply, also attempting to not laugh. "i hate when that happens."
"i know, right?" she says, busying herself with getting out her breakfast of greek yogurt and granola. she doesn't suspect a thing.
after brushing teeth all around, hanna shuttles us off to school, around 7:30. school starts at 7:45, so we have time to hang out together.
we sit against a wall, holding hands, until the bell forces us apart.
if i could make it so we had the same schedule, i would.