Bound

10-12

chapter 10

the first part of that day was hell.
after getting so close to elisa and flushing out all my feelings, i wanted to never be apart from her. i try not to cry when we meet at lunch.
"what's wrong?" she says after a hug. she takes my hands.
"i missed you," i say truthfully. i kiss her on the lips and she blushes, like tulips(her favourite flower) blooming on snow. "you're so cute when you do that," i say and hug her again.
"thanks?" she says, laughing. when we break away, we head to our usual corner and start eating lunch.
we pose for another yearbook picture(apparently we got voted cutest senior couple, even though we're the most queer).
"i love our school," i say once the photographer leaves.
"why's that?" elisa asks, taking a bite of her sandwich.
"they aren't judgy. at least not out loud."
"good point. no one judged either of us when we figured our shit out."
"well. it's not shit, because it's a part of who we are," i said, "but i know what you mean." seeing the look on her face, i say, "it's okay. don't worry, i'm not gonna judge you for calling it shit."
i watch the held breath of relief escape her, her chest sinking back into relaxation. "i know, i just. i freak out internally a lot."
"i'm sorry." i kiss her hand and she kisses my cheek. we finish lunch and head off to history.

after school, we're driving back in elisa's car. she starts to say something, and stops. she does this about seventy times before i ask, "what is it?" she sighs deeply and looks at me. "eyes on the road," i whisper.
"oh, yeah," she says. she keeps silent for about twenty seconds, by which time we're almost to her house. "i'll tell you when we get settled inside," she says. "this will require you to sit down."
suddenly, a million nervous thought smack me in the face, such as, "does she want to break up?" "is hanna not letting us stay here after high school?" among others.
we drop our backpacks down by the shoe rack(occupied mainly by shoes of elisa), take off our shoes and sit down on the couch, one of us at either end.
"okay," elisa says with a deep breath. "i was thinking all day about this." that's why she seemed different. "your parents are divorced, right?"
"yeah."
"so your mom's still around?"
"well, she lives in ontario, but she's alive, yes."
"good."
"why?"
"i want to take you to meet her."

chapter 11

"wait, what?" i say. i'm totally shocked.
"yeah. that's what i've been thinking about," elisa says. she looks confident.
"why?" i ask desperately. i don't understand.
"well, i've lived with an amazing mother my whole life, and you've lived with a conservative father your whole life, and i just thought if we found your mom - what's her name?"
"karyn grant."
"yeah, once we find her, maybe she'll be as amazing as my mom."
"absolutely not," i say flatly. "you realise she married my dad, right?"
"you realise she divorced him, right?"
"yes, but it could have been for any reason," i said, grasping at straws. like, maybe he wasn't getting the bills paid. maybe she didn't want to have a child around. that's something i think about a lot, and i don't know for sure, but no one really does."
"i bet you my mom knows." she looks semi-deflated but still defiant. i don't have the heart to break her spirit.
"alright, i guess we can ask her."
"thanks," she says, and leans forward, taking my hand. i squeeze hers and sigh.
"but what if she's just as bad or worse than my dad?" i say after a few silent moments.
"then... we cry and never think about her again," elisa says.
"that'll be easy for you..."
"i know it'll be hard, but don't you want to know about her?"
she was right, i do want to know more about her. i've always had this... ache in my chest whenever i think about my mom, despite what i already know about her.
"maybe, let's find out about her and see what she's like so we don't have to drive around canada for no good reason."
"let's start with what we already know about her," elisa says. "go."
"well. i have looked her up before..."
"really? so all that was just hot air?"
"...and i don't really like her. she's an ally, but she looks down upon individuality and the government, two things i wish were more helpful in our lives. so we seem to have contrary beliefs."
"so? don't you think you could work past that?"
"not really... and only because she seems to be stubborn."
"well. i think we should find her anyway and see what we see."
i sigh, defeated. i can't say no to my girlfriend. "okay." i lean back on the couch, opening my arms for elisa to lie next to me. she consents and cuddles up on my side, our legs entangled and or arms encircling the other.
"so, when do you want to do this?" elisa asks, looking up plaintively at me.
i sigh. i don't, says my brain, but my mouth says, "i'm good with whatever."
"how about when school's over? we can just trip on over there. montreal is like, what, 5 hours away?"
"more like 6," i say.
"wow. you really have looked it up. why didn't you tell me that at first?" elisa asks. immediatley a wave of guilt crashes on my shores.
"i didn't want you to think i cared."

chapter 12

"why not?" elisa asks. i hope she's not mad - she doesn't sound upset.
"because..." i say. "because i wanted it to be your special thing, but if i had already known about it... it wouldn't be special for you. does that even make sense?"
"yeah, it makes sense, and it's sweet of you," she says. "i'm not mad," she adds a few seconds later. it's like she read my mind. which seems cliche but it's true - we have a strangely deep connection. and maybe it's not strange at all, but it's brought us closer when needed. "i just. you're allowed to tell me things."
"i know. i'm sorry," i say, kissing the top of her head. the guilt wave recedes off of my soft shores, weak and pounded from so much guilt.
maybe the metaphor is too much?
"i apologise so often..." i say with a big sigh.
elisa looks up at me. "why, do you think?" she asks.
"well. probably because i feel guilty for everything. i would call it... a guilt complex of sorts. it makes me feel horribly guilty for shit i'm not evem responsible for."
"i'm sorry, beth," elisa says. she adjusts herself and ends up sitting on my lap, arms around my neck like a little kid. i turn her head towards me, wordlessly, and kiss her.
when we break apart, she says, "what was that for?"
"didn't you like it?" i say, jokingly. i tickle her and she giggles adorably.
"of course i did, i'm just wondering what i did to warrant it." she smiles wryly. "not that i don't want random kisses..."
"i know. i'm messing with you," i say. "i'm just so grateful for you and your unconditional love for me. i want you to know that i reciprocate it in full."
"beth, you know just how to make my day," she says. she kisses me, and it seems like an eternity of golden sunlight and happiness, but it ends. too soon, hanna is home from work. of course, it's only 4:00, which is sort of late, but i could have stayed right there with elisa all day and all night and all day.
hanna can be heard cursing outside. when she comes in from the garage, elisa says, "rough day at work, mom?"
"god, yes," hanna says. "i had to manage three or four waiting customers all by myself, and they all had donations of at least two feet in length. one of them was an old guy with curly grey hair, and i was like, 'dude. who's gonna want that as a wig?'"
"you said that?" elisa laughed.
"well, i thought it. but i donated it all - almost 8 feet of hair today. i bet locks for love thinks we're housing crazy people."
"well, i better tell them they're right," i say and laugh.
"yeah, you've got both of us here," elisa says, now giggling uncontrollably.
and i know she's joking, but even as i smile, a strange pain strikes my abdomen - a dull, stale, gross feeling.
i shake my head, like i do normally, but this time it's to clear out the ugly feeling.
and it doesn't work.