I'm Sorry

Chapter 4

This pregnancy stuff is getting to my head. Seriously, I can't expect him to stay around forever just because of a child, I am strong and independent, I would manage. I have lots of friends who are supporting me, how hard can it be? Very. Very hard. Ugh how did this even happen? All I remember was that he came home from finishing his first world tour, then he left to live his dream of performing in Madison Square Garden, then travelling to perform in Sydney. When he finally got home from all of his concerts we went back to his place because we hadn't seen each other for so long. I also recollect that we were messing around and having fun and I guess a tickle fight just progressed. When I got ill and spoke to Karen, she said that my symptoms all lead her to believe I was pregnant. So obviously I took a test, I can still see that positive sign in the back of my mind. Now 8 months later (nearly 9) I stand here wondering how I could have been so stupid. Even though this has all happened and it was stressful, right now I just need to focus on the present, on the fact I have a baby inside of me and it is with the man I love. It may have been unexpected but it is still the most wonderful thing to happen in my life.

Before I know it, the 31st July arrives, she could arrive anytime from now to whenever. I just wish Shawn was here right now, just in case. I have lost so much sleep recently, worrying that I would go into labour when I am least expecting it. Karen and Manny kindly allowed me to stay with them for a while so they can help me if Shawn isn't around. I mean I have never done this before so I need every bit of help possible, I am going to be a mother, I am going to have a beautiful daughter, and she will have the sweetest dad in the world whether he is there or not. I really want to speak to Shawn about what is going to happen when she finally arrives, we have briefly touched on it but haven't actually decided anything. Like would we live together? Or would she live with me and Shawn visits whenever he wants? Is she going to be a Mendes? So many questions, but I am frightened to text him in case he thinks I am messaging him to tell him that he officially has a daughter.

Luckily, Shawn text me first asking for an update, so I told him nothing has happened yet but I need to ask him some things. I asked him about everything I was worried about and we agreed that I could move in with him so he can see Grace whenever he is home and we was debating what to do about her surname, I said she should be a Mendes, although it hurts that my baby hasn't got the same name as me, she will be proud to be a Mendes. We talked for hours before Shawn had to go on stage. He only left a few minutes ago and I miss talking to him like crazy. So I send him a little 'I love you' for when he comes off stage. But then Geoff stole his phone, so we were talking for ages, I told him everything about how me and Shawn are having a baby and it turns out Shawn didn't mention it to anyone. I wonder why, does he not want to be a father or seen as immature because he is young and having a daughter? Although when I first told him, he said he couldn't trust me but really I can't trust him to tell me the whole truth.