It's been 8 months, yet hearing his name still gives you the feeling of a sharp needle going through your little heart. Although you don't hear it often- it still impacts you so much. you never thought you had the ability to fall in love again, it took you a while to realize you were head over heels in love. it was the love you've always wanted, too.
The "have you eaten yet?" love. The "i noticed you needed/wanted this, so i went and got you it" kind of love. The kind of love that left you smiling even after two hours of seeing him, kissing him, hearing his laugh. He was your best friend, you wanted the absolute best for him, and that's what killed you. The thought of the future flooded your very own mind, leaving you frustrated. Just a few months ago you wouldn't have thought you'd be alive and well. being alive at 17 wasn't a plan of yours- but you made it. He helped you through it all but it still made your heart hurt. You were left with the question: Whats happening now? You've put so much time and effort and love into this relationship but you don't feel emotionally stable enough to handle it. Waves of guilt washed over you each time you were with him, simply because no matter what the situation was- you felt like a burden. The only thing that was ever on your mind was that things would be better if you were six feet under, lifeless. You weren't sure if he was aware of these morbid thoughts but he did know something was going on.
As time went on you got more aggressive, verbally abusive, even. You had no idea how bad it was getting- all you ever thought about was hiding the thoughts from those around you but it was showing. it was being projected through your words. You've always shown your affection through little jokes and light punches in the arm. But the words you used were hurting him and you were so clueless. He went to your friends and asked them about it. They simply assumed it was due to the fact that you were new to relationships- boy, they had no idea. You had no idea either.
The idea of self destruction was spreading through your mind like a wild forest fire- it warmed your chest with anger and caused your fuses to blow quite easily, resulting in mental breakdowns and restless nights. The number of wounds on your body progressed, leaving your shoulders, arms, back, thighs, and stomach covered in claw marks. That's when you started to cut your nails every time they grew longer than three millimeters. From time to time you would grow frustrated and all of a sudden blood would be under your short, dull nails- raw flesh and scratched skin in the pattern of what looks like a small bear attacked your body. whenever people saw the claw mark on your tricep area of your arm, they would immediately ask "woah what happened?" oh nothing, you would respond- my friend has a puppy that got too excited when she saw me and jumped. It was an obvious bullshit excuse but you couldn't think of anything else to say.
He knew things were bad for you and he really, really wanted to help you. You wanted to let him help, on the other hand you wanted to do this on your own. Beating this on your own will give you a sense of accomplishment. The only solution you had in mind was to take a break from it. in a few days you had planned to travel for a week- maybe while you're away you would find a sense of belonging in this place people call home.
And that's when it changed.
you left to find yourself like some dumb ass rom-com, expecting him to be waiting for you.
it was only a week, but it was enough time.
when you came back, he already moved on though.
i guess it wasnt love after all..
