8 Months of December

Selfish

(A/N: TW: mentions of suicide)

Ivy walked over to the pile of letters, picked the most recent one up, and started to read;

"Dear Family,

You have no idea the love I feel for each and every one of you. You have brought nothing but happiness into my life. I guess that means I should say I'm sorry I'm writing this, but it was doomed to happen, wasn't it? I shouldn't sound so pessimistic, I'm sorry. I guess I am pessimistic though, just like Ivy is optimistic, or at least tries to be.

I should get back on topic, I'm writing this for a reason. As much as I would love to drag this on, I can't. I need to write this and get everything over with.

I've lost control, of everything. Everything I've ever loved, I loved because it remained stagnant and reminded me that even though life might change and throw you around, at least what I love will always be what I love. Except it wasn't, everything changed and left me.

And now I'm writing a letter I never thought I'd write.

For example; my porcelain doll. I kept that on my shelf to remind me of happiness, but it's just a lie. It represented my childhood, when I laughed at everything and everything was so bright and colorful, when the world had so much opportunity, I just had to take it. But as I started to grow up, I realized that was as fake as the black eyes on my doll. Not everything is funny, it's rarely bright outside and you shouldn't take your bright days for granted, the world does have opportunity, but it isn't always for you. All in all, my happiness was my childhood and my childhood is over and that porcelain doll is just painted ceramic.

Another example; my dog. Do you all remember Patches? She was mine and Ivy's almost pure white puppy, but with brown ears and a single spot. Since Ivy was younger I took most of the responsibility, at least the most a child could have, I was younger too. Do you all remember when she disappeared? And she never came back? Ivy and I were in tears, "did she leave us? what'd we do wrong?" and we were comforted by our parents, or at least as much as they could do. That must have been almost 10 or so years ago. Anyways, I was walking in the park a couple weeks ago, and I swear I almost had a heart attack. I heard leaves crunching and then a large blur jump ten feet in front of me. It was white except for it's ears, and that single spot. It had to have been our dog, it had to have been. At the time, I couldn't react, I just stood frozen and so did she. We both stared at each other for probably a minute, but it seemed like an hour. When I finally regained my thoughts, I kneeled down to call her over, and as soon as I did, she ran. She didn't come back. I've gone to the park every single day after that, and she never came back. She must have seen me and knew I would've tried to bring her back, and honestly I probably would have.

But right now I would give anything to just pet her once more, feel her soft fur, and have her look at me with love, and not resentment. I would've had resentment too though.

One thing I truly wonder, is why did anyone ever think we should domesticate animals? Why is there almost segregation within it, where we are fine with adopting cats and dogs and rabbits and small birds, but everything else has to be set free and left alone?

But I guess I've figured it out now, the things I love I've lost control of, so here I am writing this letter. You would think I would say that we shouldn't domesticate anything, that we should let it all run wild, but I'm selfish, and I'm not going to say that. What I'm going to say is I feel deathly horrible for the people with domesticated pets, because they will lose control of them one day, whether it is them running away, or dying. They will lose control and they will lose what they love, and that is a pain that I don't think anyone should endure, even me. Of all the pain I've earned through my mistakes, I don't think I've earned losing the things I love, and I don't just mean the dog.

But I'm selfish, and I'm sorry. I think everyone has a little bit of selfishness in them though. Arrogant people are, of course, flowing with it, but even take in to account the people that absolutely dread themselves, and everything about them, so much that they decide they don't want to live anymore. They want better, and they won't find it here. Isn't that selfish, they'll take their life away from the world because they simply cannot endure it anymore? Even those people with the least amount of self love, die trying to find happiness.

I guess it's selfish of me to write that too though, compare something so insanely sad just to prove a point. And I also guess that I've gotten away from that point, I've rambled on even though I said I wouldn't. It turns out I really just want to keep writing this and never stop, never move forward.

But my point is, I've lost control.

And I'm sorry."

Ivy put down the letter.