I don't know why I'm writing this mash up of nonsense. One word after another piled up, supposed to mean something, but I'm still sitting here screaming in my brain about worth, and nothingness. Nothing can handle my pain. My darkness soon fading away, as I close my eyes, and the bees in my head go silent and the candle burns out, just like my hopes of successfulness and organization. Everything is just a big pile of nothing. And nothing is just an excuse you say when everything is wrong...
I look over my shoulder, with just my luck, the demons are creeping up behind my back. Whispering into my ear everything wrong with me, from my head to my toes. They check me out, and spot every insecurity, every death- defying wish I've ever had, and every thought that's stored in the back of my head...
My thoughts are buzzing like a swarm of bees. I have the same reoccurring thoughts. I've been thinking about where I'm going to be in 4 years. 10? Is growing up going to make me happier? I've been thinking about worth. Every time I close my eyes, I aim to find a purpose of what I'm doing the next day? What's the meaning, the point, of writing the next day? Writing my feelings on paper, typing it on a computer, saying it in my head; it adds up to all the buzzing in my head.
I try and keep it bottled up inside. Every time I think everything is I place, or all right, something fucks up; a canon shoots off in my head. I get sad; and because there were already so many things in my head, I can't pin point the source. I can't physically go and talk to someone because I don't know what's wrong. I'm mad; everything is kept inside. I look for a corner to hide and run to my bed and scream in my head... I keep checking my phone; should I call someone...?
Everything is a blur when I try to focus on the details. Life is supposed to be about the little moments, but I believe it differently. Life is about how you go about moments; big or small. How you handle things, and what things your handling helps you build your character in the book you are writing... life. The details of what makes me mad or upset, is all just a blur. Maybe how I handle it makes me sound like a bit stubborn, but there is so much more than the demons chasing me...
It's kind of like science; there are a lot of factors in what makes someone's character. My character is one I'm still learning about, and the author reveals a little more each day.
