"I bathed in bleach and plugged my menses with pages of the Holy Book. But still inside me coiled deep was the need to know..."
"Are you cheating on me?"
I tried to change. Closed my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less awake. Fasted for 60 days, wore white, abstained from mirrors, abstained from sex, slowly did not speak another word. In that time, my hair, I grew past my ankles. I slept on a mat on the floor. I swallowed a sword. I levitated. Went to the basement, confessed my sins, and was baptized in a river. I got on my knees and said 'amen' and said 'I mean.' I whipped my own back and asked for dominion at your feet. I threw myself into a volcano. I drank the blood and drank the wine. I sat alone and begged and bent at the waist for God. I crossed myself and thought I saw the devil. I grew thickened skin on my feet, I bathed in bleach, and plugged my menses with pages from the holy book, but still inside me, coiled deep, was the need to know ... Are you cheating on me?
"Are you sure it was meant in that way?" Kelly asked. "I know what I heard Kelly." I said wiping my tears. "I just don't understand why he would cheat on me." "I give and gave my all to this man for 13 years and he betrayed like this ?" I cried harder when i felt her wrap her arms around me and embraced me into a tight hug.
* * * * *
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Today I have a photo shoot for my new workout clothing line "Ivy Park". The name is inspired by my daughter. IVY PARK IS MERGING FASHION-LED DESIGN WITH TECHNICAL INNOVATION. CREATING A NEW KIND OF PERFORMANCE WEAR: MODERN ESSENTIALS FOR BOTH ON AND OFF THE FIELD.
"That's it Bey. Arch your back a little more." The photographer said as she flashed pictures. I did as told.
"Alright!"
I lifted my head up as they came to help me get down. As always, I was a little nervous about this shoot. I don't know why, I just was. I guess i was just afraid. Afraid of making the same mistake. Afraid of being stupid. Afraid of being hurt over and over and over... again. Being in the sky was always a dream of mine. Me flying, along with the clouds, being away from everything and everyone. All alone. Am I afraid of heights? No. Am I afraid of falling? Yes.
"Can somebody bring me some fruit?" I asked. Jay handed me my robe, I grabbed it and placed it on my body. "How'd I look ?" "Amazing as always." "Thank you." I smiled. Jay is getting better. After a while of not speaking to him and constantly acting as if he's invisible, I stopped. I had no choice. I don't want my daughter to see all the negative things that may be happening. Jay and I may have problems but it has absolutely nothing to do with Blue. I remember when I first found out that he had been with that person physically. It was one of the worst days in life.
"Bey?" He called after me as I walked into the kitchen silent. "Bey?" I stayed silent as I took my jewelry off. "Bey, you my wife. Talk to me" "Im tryna make things right." He said. "Baby I just.. Listen, all I wanna do is-"
"What ?" "What Shawn what ?" What do you want ?" I cut him off.
