(9/23/16)
My summer.. My everything is wow. I've got plenty of drama and heartache to go around. I know it's nothing new.. and everything old.. But nothing really calmed down. I have a bit of energy to put everything into words and get it off my mind.
First. I met my sister and basically.. It wasn't the nicest experience? I don't know what I was expecting, but I was 100% expecting something pleasant. She's an addict of all kinds. I want to help her but she has to be willing to help herself. She's made every excuse under the sun.. and I totally believed her. "If I have a child I won't smoke" Hayden is here, and she continues.. "If I go back to school", "If I get a job", "If I get more friends", "If someone helps me", "If I get a therapist".. this list, void of any real meaning, continues on. There's not much of anything real I can do. She has all these things and.. continues.. She brings me down with her sometimes too. I have my own constant battles. I don't need an addiction battle.. well.. I don't need ANOTHER addiciton battle...
I've simply started to hate myself again. I hate this. It's not even me or my body or whatever. It's my.. likings. I hate the trigger words on my schools stuff. I can't type freely. I like all people, essentially. I don't know why this is suddenly haunting me and dragging me down. I also found a friend who is closeted and has these same feelings toward himself. the oddball is, I'm not even closeted all that well. I got shoved out several times. Maybe that's what's causing it? I don't know. I feel like ugh.
I guess I'll just tyr again later. I don't want to type suddenly anymore.
