Today, I decied to read through my old stories. Yeah, I cringed, but then I realized something about the stories.
We first break them down into two periods of time, from my crystalwinter16 era until the early years as Lawyer_HeavenlyYard. Now, the very first story I believe is, well, my first, is the Seven Deadly Sins book.
The first one.
Well, they were all short chapters. I lacked spacing. But let us not notice how it is all set upon the plate. Before my current age of now, I was obnoxious. I didn't think clearly and stuff. During this time I was at the height of my being a pegasister.(disclaimer: I am NOT going against the MLP fandpm or against my young self's interests at that time)
So I used a lot of inspiration from MLP in the plot of my stories. So during this time a memorable group of friends indirectly starred in the story series, along with me. Now, it may seem very cliché to use yourself and all that in your stories, but I was unaware at that time. And, honestly, it was a very useful tactic during this time.
Anyways, you have Serenity, her friends Gabrielle ((*waves at Viola_Violinist * )), Delilah, Sarah, Kassy, Julienne and Hermione. Seven Deadly Sins, kabloom!
Yes, it was a cliché fest. But let me tell you, young me took the vessel thing seriously. And my friendship with these group of friends? Though this story mellowed it out, this was the vessel of that friendship- the reminder that it was there.
The sequel arrives, with a new addition to the squad- Esmeralda, and yet again one of my wonderful friends. Now, well, I may have to reveal minor details of my life that was intertwined with this. The friend who was le Esmeralda just joined our bandwagon of virtues. For some magical reason fate was a jerk and one of my friends didn't want her to join because there were only seven virtues.
Now please forgive us for we were really young at that time and argued over such. Now, I was thinking at that time, "I'm the leader of this group, she's there. I have to make her a virtue for everyone to accept her!" Yeah, SDS 2 happened.
But, thing is, I thought I knew how to be a leader. I thought I knew how to be a leader. I fucking failed. I will continue that dark chapter of life further but not now.
So, yeah. Then Being Sunset rolls in, an MLP fanfic. Now, honestly, maybe these were my thoughts on like, "What if people don't accept me for being a pegasister?". Basically Rainbow Rocks plot and cliché .
Now I forgot if this next one was made after I changed my username or- So, yeah, this was the big one.
Kenkyo No Musume
Clichés lessened, writing is like, two lines for some reason. I was experimenting writing styles at that time. Now this one, when I read it again, it struck me. Now, let me admit to you-
There were moments in my life when I was depression.
How it felt? This is the least I can describe of it- Fucking deep pain and grief in my chest. Me wanting to give up, telling God to just not let me wake up tomorrow before I go to bed. That was how I felt depression. It only stayed in my chest. It never escaped through tears or any other physical means.
Writing style wasn't good, but in my rereading I saw something wanting to be seen from the rows of words. I had fears. One fear that made its way through Kenkyo No Musume was losing my friends. I don't remember if this was made before or after I lost my friends- Definitely before where all of us just fucking suffered because of an idiotic leader forcing them all to be there, and the rest were just-
That was a fear. And another- Loneliness. This was probably one word to describe the shit that happened. I was an only child, the feelings from this turned into Kenkyo's after Anzen's mentioned accident. Yeah, my handwriting was described like a chicken's. But young me went too far and overreacted that.
Even if my skill lacked at that time, my feelings got there. And, yes, the idiotic leader was me. I could vividly remember those moments of crying. I thought I could fix this by making everything go well. No. I divided everyone.
The room had lots of group friends and we were that group that constantly argued. And why were formed was ironic- the Virtues. Sixth grade, and maybe little bit of seventh- I never realized it was depression and I was unable to hold it back.
But guess what?
Now I can. Now I have. All that is in the past, a dark chapter. My friends have moved on from this, hopefully, though I can still feel the division everytime we walk past each other. I still haven't found my yearbook, where we all took a picture, smiling faces hiding the imminent destruction.
I cannot say my depression has left me. But when it comes back, I know how to turn it to the positive.
All the bad things that happened, the stuff I have overreacted on. That was one hell of an era.
And, well, see... The Black Parade/Living With Ghosts re-issue has been released. The demos are beautiful. There's a band note:
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"Today some of those (The Black Parade songs) pieces will rise again, resurrected in this 10 year anniversary release of the album they took a bullet for... perhaps they were never killed, merely grazed or maybe nothing ever truly dies...
The Black Parade is dead, long live The Black Parade"
Okay, yeah, I may be getting a little off-topic here. But this note and the whole reissue itself made me think of my past stories.
Maybe I could plan something like this for Seven Deadly Sins and Kenkyo No Musume. A resurrection, a commemoration, a memory and an ending to that era. Oh, and a little cameo for something hidden that may or may not be here. ((*looks at my friends*)) Well, if it did, I'd have to change le names, so... This ain't exactly a let go- a closing to that era of crystalwinter16, and the real life I have had at that time,
Before this, I never thought deeply of my old stories, I only thought of them as mere idiotic writings that slowly improved. Damn, I was so wrong.
So Long And Goodnight ~Lawyer_HeavenlyYard
((Disclaimer stuff, "The Black Parade/Living With Ghosts" belongs to My Chemical Romance. And le stories shared here are mine.))
