Demian : The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth [by Herman Hesse]

2) Cain

My salvation came from a totally unexpected source, which, at the same time, brought a new element into my life that has affected it to this very day. A new boy had just been enrolled in our school. He was the son of a well-to-do widow who had come to live in our town; he wore a mourning band on his sleeve. Being several years older than I, he was assigned to a grade above me. Still, I could not avoid noticing him, nor could anyone else.

This remarkable student seemed much older than he looked; in fact, he did not strike anyone as a boy at all. In contrast to us, he seemed strange and mature, like a man, or rather like a gentleman. He was not popular, did not take part in our games, still less in the general roughhouse, and only his firm, self-confident tone toward the teachers won the admiration of the students. He was called Max Demian.

One day--as happened now and again--an additional class was assigned to our large classroom for some reason or other. It was Demian's class. We, the younger ones, were having a Scripture lesson; the higher grade had to write an essay. While the story of Cain and Abel was being drummed into us, I kept glancing toward Demian whose face held a peculiar fascination for me, and I observed the intelligent, light, unusually resolute face bent attentively and diligently over his work; he didn't at all look like a student doing an assignment, but rather like a scientist investigating a problem of his own.

I couldn't say that he made a favorable impression on me; on the contrary, I had something against him: he seemed too superior and detached, his manner too provocatively confident, and his eyes gave him an adult expression--which children never like--faintly sad, with flashes of sarcasm. Yet I could not help looking at him, no matter whether I liked or detested him, but if he happened to glance my way I averted my eyes in panic.

When I think back on it today, and what he looked like as a student at that time, I can only say that he was in every respect different from all the others, was entirely himself, with a personality all his own which made him noticeable even though he did his best not to be noticed; his manner and bearing was that of a prince disguised among farm boys, taking great pains to appear one of them.

He was walking behind me on the way home from school, and after the others had turned off he caught up with me and said hello. Even his manner of greeting, though he tried to imitate our schoolboy tone, was distinctly adult and polite.

“Shall we walk together for a while?” he asked. I felt flattered and nodded. Then I described to him where I lived. “Oh, over there?” he said and smiled. “I know the house. There's something odd above the doorway--it interested me at once.”

I didn't know offhand what he meant and was astonished that he apparently knew our house better than I did myself. The keystone of the arch above the doorway bore no doubt a kind of coat of arms but it had worn off with time and had frequently been painted over. As far as I knew it had nothing to do with us and our family. “I don't know anything about it,” I said shyly. “It's a bird or something like that and must be quite old. The house is supposed to have been part of the monastery at one point.”

“That's quite possible.” He nodded. “Take a good look at it sometime! Such tilings can be quite interesting. I believe it's a sparrow hawk.” We walked on. I felt very self-conscious. Suddenly Demian laughed as though something had struck him as funny. “Yes, when we had class together,” he burst out. “The story of Cain who has that mark on his forehead. Do you like it?” No, I didn't. It was rare for me to like anything we had to learn. Yet I didn't dare confess it, for I felt I was being addressed by an adult. I said I didn't much mind the story Demian slapped me on the back. “You don't have to put on an act for me. But in fact the story is quite remarkable. It's far more remarkable than most stories we're taught in school. Your teacher didn't go into it at great lengths. He just mentioned the usual things about God and sin and so forth. But I believe --” He interrupted himself and asked with a smile: “Does this interest you at all?”