When we met, you were outside my window, it was November/December, I was dating somebody but that'd soon fall through, You'd soon be mine, but we didn't know that, so we exchanged glances as I was letting the cold air seep into my overheated bedroom through my open window (the infamous window, good for sneaking out and Window Talks). I was in my pajamas, these fucking bright ass monkey pants that were like four feet thick of pure fluffy cotton shit, but I was so far from emo idek, and I had heard so much about you from Misti, and this was your first impression lmao. I showed you and Misti the Nirvana thing I made for John (Sarah's john, not white boy) for the Christmas exchange at the church.
You told me your anxiety was bad that day but everytime our eyes met, the anxiety lessened. You told me you told yourself you'd see my eyes again, you'd meet me again. I remember wanting to look more at your eyes, because they were so pretty and captivating, but I didn't allow myself to do that, idk I guess I didn't wanna be creepy or too suggestive lol I should've just stared though, I should've given in, but it doesn't matter too much now.
Fast forward to February, when misti gave me your number and we started talking. This was like the very beginning of February (idk i think I got your number on a Thursday? Idk why but I feel like that's right). My relationship fell through about a month ago, for understandable reasons but to avoid the pain of that, I fell in love with writing and bands and I built myself back up, and it's funny how that leaves an open door in your life. In less than a year, I had gone from depressed and cutting and anorexic to loving myself, crazy, so crazy. But we talked and flirted a bit? (In the note you gave me, you freaked out bc we were flirting lmao what a Fucking journey though) and I smiled and didnt worry about sleep or anything. When I went to my dad's, you and misti called me, you showed me You Make A Ninja Wanna Fuck (which was like the anthem of our relationship for awhile lmao), I showed you Surprise Party by Blackbear, and all three of us just talked for awhile. I'm pretty sure Riley was there but what the fuck do I know lol I looked up beards in that book of knowledge on the shelf at my dads house, although we found it wasn't there. When we hung up, my face hurt from smiling so much (there'd be more of that to come). (Oops this is actually when we met at the park I think? It's all blurry lol keep reading it'll make sense xD)
We kept talking, you trusted me with some shit you've been through, and I did the same. It was natural, something clicked. I liked you a lot, but I still loved the girl I had been with, I never had too much time to process what happened. Well. We had this valentine's day dance that was bound to be lame, but free food and getting out of the hell hole known as my house was a good idea, a really good one xD plus why the fuck not go lol well, the chick from before you had texted me the night before that Friday (aka Thursday xD) and asked if I was dating you, I said no (also, chick from before was totally supportive even though it killed her, so I figured it was all okay. It wasn't though.) And so I show up to school and there are roses in my locker, with a note "I wanna make you mine but that's hard to say, is this coming off in a cheesy way?" To which I smiled for a second but panicked, Talked to misti about it, because literally this was like a week too late. I had waited for this chick to come back and it never happened and then you came along and things have been so good but what the fuck do I do?? After scjool, I called you, and told you everything, you said "I kinda figured this wasn't gonna work..." and you were the first to know I was moving. I didn't tell anyone else bc it wasn't for sure, or close to the time, I didn't want everyone to live these days like they were going to end, like i was going to leave. Anyways, we hung up and I cried and it hurt. Well misti told you I had said I like you but love the girl from before, which hurt you inevitably. Misti mentioned something about you crying outside Safeway? Well as I'm going to leave, you, lela, and misti are walking from town pump, and we meet up on the turn thing in front of Caseys, at the end of the trailer park, and talk for awhile, but idk how to meet your eyes. But we end up hugging, and it was a good hug, it was a hug that said something about that being the beginning of something good, something really good. Misti told me you waited until I was out of sight and you totally fangirled and asked what that hug meant. I texted you through the dance, as I felt a little free being with my people and ready to have a good night, but still, there were things weighing on my mind. Misti and I talked in the bathroom about you and only you as she flushed all of the toilets and we laughed our asses off. You dyed Lela's hair, and I texted you, Because we had an idea. You were okay with the plan, so we ended up signing out and leaving about ten/fifteen minutes early to meet you in your Tahoe. So we stepped around snow and shit and made it to your car. I got in the front seat, and we just listened to music as you bitched about mindy taking some of your CD's. I noticed you had an old Avril Lavigne CD, idk why that stuck, but I made a mental note to listen to that album on Spotify later. There was some silence, and you were upset, as you said something about straightening your hair, doing a half ass job, but I didn't mind, I didn't think there was a damn thing wrong with it lol well pretty soon, Nine In The Afternoon by Panic! At The Disco came on at literally nine in the afternoon, and you turned around in your seat and sang the lyrics to the backseat at misti and stopped halfway through to laugh and I knew, there was no way I was walking home and thinking about the other chick. It took me less than a minute to fall in love with you. I wanted to be the cause for that laugh, I didn't want anybody else. So when meriah called and started bitching about getting home bc she didn't want mom to be pissed, and I had to leave, we hugged over the console and I left, and smiled so fucking hard the whole way home while casey and terry and I made a shit ton of noise (my mom was SUPER drunk by the way, like it was bad lmao hilarious though), and making it rain snow as terry tried to steal my phone to text you but I stuck it down my shirt and they talked about how I was obviously showing you my boobs lol idk it was funny. Meriah tried to get us to quiet down but we didn't give a shit. So terry went to town pump as we walked inside. I went to my room and cried to Commonwealth Avenue by Love, Robot and Never Let This Go by Paramore and some random songs by Three Doors Down (found out you love them on the phone with misti and you one of those nights, when misti said I need to find a way to keep you in town for the next three months, and you said it was done, like i didn't have to do a thing). But I was so happy with how the night played out. Michael came home (he was there for the weekend) and we had a long drunk talk about life (I've written poetry about that), and we just related so easily, it was incredible. That was the first part of our relationship. We've never been close, thats how my family works, but this was different. He told me I was really smart and poetic and told me not to waste this, told me not to give up (little did he know where the fuck I was half a year prior. Little did he know how much I needed that) on this, not to throw it away like he did. Never did, never will.
We kept talking for awhile, and a week later, I met you at West side park, and we sat in your Tahoe (After hugging you and telling you you looked good, because you did. Looking at you, I'd just fall in love over and over, Because you were you. And you took my breath away, gave me something nobody else ever has or ever will. We made something like art, and I hope you know I never meant to hurt you like I did, I never meant to fuck up, but this is just how things happened, and I am so goddamn proud of you. I am so fucking glad we met, we've come a long way .) (the morning by the weeknd made me think of you. I just played it and it just made all of my feelings for you come with it, idk why. I still listen to that song though, I vibe to that shit, but it doesn't hurt. I'm okay with loving you and losing you. I'm just content with this experience, I'm lucky to have lived it all) because it was cold and you had just bought a shit ton of CDs, a bmth sticker on your roof. I never said i had made a decision but we picked our shit up again, and kept doing what we do. I think misti tried to make us kiss or some shit, but I didn't meet your eyes, and it wasn't a conscious decision but oops xD well long story short, I went home, and texted the chick from before and said "I made my decision" "Okay" "I choose her." And I woke up the next day, sleeping on the floor, with a ranty text from the night before in which you rambled on about how you didn't think you'd lose me by asking and it'd be okay if I said no but you're pretty sure of the answer, and would I be your girlfriend? And I said yes, of course. You've got a piece of me, and four months of my life. Four months was enough, but my life would've been enough. I am just lucky to have loved you as long as I did. We made a lot of memories, a lot of shared soundtracks of those months, but we made it. For destany, thank you. You are one of a kind, and I wouldn't trade this for anything. I know we don't talk everyday, but im still real with you. Thank you so much.
I remember when I'd come to school at the very beginning and talk to misti about you and love seemed so pointless, I'd say "so we flirt and date or whatever, and then what? What could happen?" "She'll sneak you out and you'll make out in her Tahoe" "and then what? Where could it go?" I can't say I could've seen this coming, any of it, but I know where it went, and I wouldn't have changed much, if I could go back. Where could it go? Here. That's where it could go.
- (m.m)
YOU ARE READING
2016 Memories / For the 17 to my 83
PoetryI am afraid of not documenting this, therefore I am randomly writing a series of events that have happened in my life over this year in order to save them from oblivion. this is my life. don't expect it to make sense