2016 Memories / For the 17 to my 83

4; losing you, summer of destruction

You called and you were drunk. I had just left for my moms, three weeks were over and I'm spending a week in a house that did no job at replacing what I once had back when I had nothing, if that makes any sense whatsoever. Well, you kept telling me you'll drive to me (I told you you'd lose me if you did that), and Kem was pissed at alex and you were counting the tracks. You're a happy kind of drunk, and it was great. I have a whole section in my notebook just decided to that night, little rants and quotes all in red pen (if you want that, I'll ask her and then post some of it with permission).

Within a day or two, you dropped me. After being confused, you called and said you fucked up, you had to break up with me. I cried, a lot, more than I thought possible. Ugly sobs, curled up on my floor and meriah just watched. Her Song by mgk was all I could listen to. Well one day, I think the third or fourth day, I had told myself I was fine, that I wasn't gonna cry, and I had gone somewhere with mom that day and I felt a little disconnected. Well when I got "home", I read the note, the one you gave me from one of your notebooks, and I started crying. I remember thinking I shouldn't have read the note, I was asking for it.
I'd tell meriah that Nanny used to dry my tears when I was little but now nobody's there to fix this and it all just hurt. Although, there's something nice about feeling something, no matter how intense. The waves would come and then I'd feel that moment of solitude, it wasn't an empty feeling, necessarily, but it was a breath. It wasn't a positive step towards it being over, though, nothing like that. It's just there, it cannot be defined.
(this was fourth of july. I'll write a thing about fireworks with dillon before i went back home bc it was such a good memory)
When I got to town, we were supposed to talk. We didn't talk the first day I was back but the day after, we met at West side with Mark and JD (have you kept it touch?). We confessed some shit and you moved on to Mark. I wrote about that, and how I figured I should move on, too, which lead me to Jorge from Chatous. We talked, sexted a bit, and we were unofficially officially dating although I didn't put myself into it and it was really something to fill the void that I denied even existed (you're alive without her you're alive without her it's okay). Well then I kissed Keith  (god I'm gonna end up kissing their whole squad eventually goddamn (homewhore vibes lmao)), right before misti and John broke up. I told Jorge and he was fine with it, I apologized and he was being sweet about it. John calls me as I'm in my living room, watching Ridoculousness just the way i did (it was a relogion lol the routine of it was great. Every night, I'd just stay up late, to where I'd almost catch my dad when he went to work but I usually avoided that. The light from the TV lit up the whole room and the streetlights outside never shut off, the windows would be open, and I'd get to where I'd feel so sleepy and disconnected from what I was dealing with, those times got me through A lot. Where there's no pressure to exist, you just are, you're not worried about writing it all down, or living or feeling anything, you just exist. It's as simple as that. That's it.) right after it happened and right when I picked up, he said "you kissed Keith?!" "Yeeeaaah haha" "Why? Are you guys dating now or what?" "No, god no" "Why did you kiss him- who kissed who?" "What do you mean?" "Who initiated the kiss?" "He leaned in but stopped so I" "So you finished it? Goddamn it meranda" I think he said he was gonna slap me or something for it lmao "well I gotta go yell at Keith now bye" and he hung up. (Funny story. Keith had me come back outside bc he needed to 'redeem himself' John used that line later because it's just hilarious idek man).

In a few days, John and misti broke up. He called me drunk, on the night of him getting what was it ? 6 tickets or some shit? And a DUI? And we called ans just talked through shit. Well later, a day or two later idk, John, meriah, and I ended up hanging out at West side park with Evan. Playing some Green Day song, John asks if I want to take a walk so we circle along the fence until we get to behind the dugout. On the way, he somehow learned I rap and we were just talking about shit. Well we're sitting on the grass, and I was wearing my tail that day, and he was throwing little pieces of grass at me as he said "you should move back." "Why?" (Side note almost started singing the lyrics to new Americana  (the fire & fury cover) before I realized I'm listening with headphones in. Oops.) "Stay and you'll find out" "or you could tell me" and this was brought up into whatever conversation we were having. We talked about destany, the cheating, etc, but I could tell he didn't want to say too much. He said everybody's a bitch. But not me. (Whayever relevancy that held here?? XD) And we'd hug and shit and he'd say 'thank you' since I was there for him or whatever and then he'd tell me to stay and you know where that goes. Well we must've hugged like five times at that point, like good hugs, not quick, awkward I-have-to-hug-you hugs, and I noticed he'd talk to me and slowly close the distance, and I remember thinking I didn't remember him being this close and we kissed, and that happened. Haha we laughed and talked and shit and we'd kiss. Few days later, we were kissing in my kitchen, when Jake came to town, and I had snuck him in my house, and meriah wanted to leave but we were slow at getting out of the house or some shit idk and he went to get some water and we kissed and he was wearing his black and green fox tee shirt and we were sort of ignoring meriah telling us to gtfo and so she sprayed him with water from the sink and I'm pretty sure he got her back idk lol so we walked to his house so he could change shirts and he told me his room was messy but mine was so much worse.
One of the times I snuck out for him, he told me he'd teach me to dance, but the next day we both decided we suck at dancing lol I remember his face, though, when the light caught it, and he smiled with sweat on his face or some shit idk, things like that stick. And then when I snuck out for him and I was shaking bad because murder and he just held onto me and told me he wouldn't get into a fight, but he thought I was shaking because I was cold. So he gave me his jacket.

There's something poetic about the people back home, the reasons they do things, their essence, what they learn, how they do things. The people are smart. They're art worthy.

He ended up getting with destany, though. He says it's because you wanted to get back at her for what she did to me. Idk though. And I think after that for me was alex? Idek. Shit got messy. Really, all over summer, shit got messy. That was my summer. Shit got messy. I was really destructive as a person, just trying to be okay after destany. I convinced myself I was okay, and I'd ask myself what I'd do if it was destany, thats how I didn't get lost when it felt empty and shit, and it became routine. Jorge and I fought a lot, I fucked him over, and then he ended up spilling everything to me, his whole life story, shit he's never told anyone, in an argument, and things ended eventually and it was my fault. All of it was. And it kills me, fucking kills me. I was in no mindset to be his friend, Let alone, girlfriend. I was reckless and trying to fill the void. I still dream about him, I still think about him. I was playing games because I needed that, I needed this love, this lust, all of it. But the stakes are high. It's hurt, but im trying to take things from what happened between him and I. I learned to be careful with people, to not be too wrapped up in the things I want.

The bodies came and went, really, watching so many people walk out fucked me up just a bit. It wasn't slow, it wasn't some process of erosion and distance. It was bad, shit got bad. Words fucking kill, they're sharp like knives. So you look at what's around you when the smoke clears and whatever the fuck stayed, you hold onto.

I really don't know what more I can or should say. This fit a lot more in it than I had in mind. I'm slowly carving away pieces of my authenticity away for you.

I live unapologetically, but I'm sorry. There are things I'd do differently if I could, but things happened. We're moving forward. I have strength in the downfall. That's who I am, thats what I do.
- (m.m)