I can't stop thinking about depression right now, I think I've been almost a week clean and someone took my blade. My mind is going crazy right now, I can never stay clean for over a month; I always lose myself. I hate when people ask why I cut, I never know how to answer it in the moment and then they either think I am an attention whore or they pity me; I hate it. I read this thing and it's like if stub your toe you should but your finger because than you forget about your toe, it's a distraction... Its like cutting, it distracts me from my thoughts, I don't know why I'm writing about this... I just don't have anyone to talk to about it, and there is no way in hell I am going back to that stupid councilor, she pisses me off; I hate her so much and I know "hate is a strong word" but that's the point, I really do hate her! Have you ever had it where if you stare at yourself in a mirror for a while you don't recognize yourself? I found that from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' it's a really good book. Well anyway I do that a lot and I really realize it's more my personality that I can't find, or I maybe I just hate it. I really hate how I fall so easily innocent with people and I get attached then I ruin everything because I push people away, then I blame myself... It's my fault though! I do this to myself and than I get so mad I cut... I'm so scared of myself, that's why I push people away, I feel like I'll hurt them or just drag them down; not being able to talk to anyone about this sucks. I would talk to people at school or church but they wouldn't understand... Sometimes I think about how I'll die or when it will happen, I don't purposefully think about it I and I just can't stop myself. Normal people don't think about this stuff, why can't I just be normal? I hate that I was made this way, I hate how I never make the right decisions, I hate how I fall so easily for people and care to much... I hate that I'm depressed, I just want to be happy, it would make everyone's life easier; especially my mom. She makes me go to church and I go cause it makes her happy but I get the worst anxiety, I've been such a burden to this family. Seriously I never ask for help or to go to the hospital anymore because it annoys my mom and it's just easier to fake my happiness... why can't I just be happy? I could write about this for days, my depression is getting worse and I don't know if I have enough energy to stop it anymore; I hate this. I hate life. I hate feeling. I wish I could just stay numb and not feel anything... I just want everything to stop, no more anxiety, no more hurting, I hate that I fell so hopelessly in love with... I can't get attached, I'll just get hurt again or I could hurt them and I don't want that, I hate myself!!! I have to stop writing my head hurts... I'm sorry.
