Bulimia Chat Rooms

Tears and Friendship

In. Deep.

Out. Breath.

I think about today's events as I wash my body. It's 7:00pm and all I had was half an aple, quarter of an orange, and water...Wait! SHIT!!! I forgot I had dinner with my roomate Chloe at the cafe. Half a cup of mashed potatoes, corn, and a small slice of apple pie. 

Yup, you have done it this time. You are going to get monster fat. Where are you're fat jeans? Madeline yells at me.

Goodbye to skinny. 

My mind starts to race as I kneel towards the drain in the tub and my fingers tingle with what's going to come. I gag for a couple seconds and finally heave out the first gut wrenching bile from my body. Emotions folld out of me as I rid my body of the evil I have done to it. Anger. Hurt. Sadness. Worry.

But most importantly, control.

I didn't know I was crying until something watery and salty comes towards my lips. My body shakes as I heave with all my might. Mushy potatoes and yellow corn come out as I grapple the sides of the bathtub, my body rippling with spasms. My nose runs freely and my throat burns. My fingers ache from the burning acid. I get up, dizzy for a moment, standing up but smile when I see blood. I finish my shower like nothing ever happened. 

I get out of the shower and stare at myself in the mirror. I don't even wan to look at me. My cheeks are chipmucky and widened to huge amounts, my stomach fat and so horribly full. My thunder thighs clapping everytime I walk, my arms are meaty wings and my feet could pass for bigfoots. I stare and stare and stare at myself, pinching and poking at the bubbles of fat that reside on my skin. Why I can't be skinny?

Chloe barges into my bathroom. "Hey, can I use your-" She stops short when she sees me in my underwear. She covers her mouth and lets out a sob, her dirty blond hair swishing back and forth. "Bailey, hun...that can't be you. You are way too thin!"

I chuckle with a shaky smile. "Me, being thin? Chloe, you got it all wrong. Don't you see the wings under my arms?" I demostrate, pinching my stomach.

Chloe started to shake. You are killing yourself!

That's enough. I leave the bathroom and start to cry on my bed. She comes up towards me and puts her arm around me for a moment before leaving. I face the way and almost fall asleep before a thought gets me:

Why am I so utterly alone?