Letters

Letter to _____

The last time you said you loved me was when I was hospitalized in eighth grade. I was fourteen years old. That was almost three years ago. I'd tried to kill myself.
At the time, I was really depressed. Mainly, because I was just figuring out how truly cruel the world is. How terrible people can be and are. I was really immature back then, and at the time, was trying to be as different as possible (oh god, the emo and scene phases)
To be honest, I felt safer and happier there than I did at any other time in my life. I had meals everyday and I didn't have school to stress me out and bullies to depress me further. I made a few friends there.
Andrew, I remember the most. He was funny and showed me all of these cool bands who I'd never heard of or had heard of but never got the chance to listen to like Mayday Parade and Hollywood Undead amongst others. He made a lot of jokes, two of which I remember to this day and still laugh at from time to time. He had a lot of problems. I remember that much. His mom was terrible to him. He had a lot of siblings and a lot of really cool pets. I remember he thought it was really cool that I could sing the entirety of 'Self-Destruct Personality" by Falling In Reverse.
Kat was cool too. I remember she made it a point to let everyone know she was gay. I remember seeing all the scars on her arms from stabbing herself with mechanical pencils.

You said you loved me on the first day of school this year. Well, not necessarily. You tested it to me, telling me to have a good day. I still laugh because you didn't know that the night before I was drunk off my ads, trying to calm myself. I ended up having a panic attack and calling Justin, drunkenly talking to him until he made me feel better. I laugh because I was so anxious and hungover and I felt like shit and it was only the first day. Neither you nor I knew that a week later, I'd still be drinking every night, sick in bed. And the week after that, I was just too depressed to pull myself out of bed. Too physically and emotionally drained, terrified to go back to school because I'm so ducking scared of people. I hate being around so many at one time, and no matter how many times you and the teachers "listen" to me stating the fact that I'm scared, horrified, of speaking to others let alone in front of a whole group of them, you all just shrug it off and tell me to "get over it." I'm not getting over. I don't know if I ever will, so deal with until I do. I don't understand what's so hard to grasp.

I just want to know why I'm so scared. Is it because my father was such a horrible person? Is it because I come from a bloodline of abuse, alcoholism, and drug use? Is it because I haven't seen my brother in years because our parents/guardians were literal shit? I just want to know why the fuck I'm so afraid..