Permanent

I don't really know.

If this is called love or an obsession that has been going on for a really long time. This is definitely not love since I don't really believe in that despite the fact that I've been in some "relationships" before. And this is not an obsession either because if it was, I would've gone crazy looking for him on all sides of the world. I still do want to see him, though. Get to talk to him. Go out with him. Do various stuff with him. Kiss him. But why do I still feel like this towards him even after all this time?

Even after 7 years of shit I've gone through?

-----

I still feel faint from the tattoo session I just had approximately about 5 hours ago. I got a huge (kind of) tattoo of a purple-turquiose-blue octopus starting on my right waist that reached down to my lower hip. I can't believe I got this thing inked on me just so my future partner would be fascinated looking at it and "love" me more for being so "creative" and "free". Ugh. I just hope that future partner I'm referring to is him....Lazarus.

"What's up, Oreo?" Kat came busting into my room.

"Ever heard of knocking?" I nonchalantly asked.

"No but I thought you were supposed to be out today?" she asked back.

"Eh. I was planning to but I got lazy. And I still feel weird from this tattoo I just got earlier."

Kat sat next to my limp body sprawled all over my bed. "You got a new one? Cool. Is it that octopus drawing you were working so hard on in the past few weeks?"

"Yup. Totally paid off. Marc did a nice job putting it on me..as usual."

Kat lifts my arm up and starts looking at my previous tattoos. Her eyes start at another octopus on my wrist and slowly works her way up as she strokes each of them. She looks at each of them - even the really small ones - intently. To be honest, I'm enjoying it. You know, when people look at my tattoos. It makes me feel somewhat proud that I have them on. I feel like my tattoos are feeding people with entertainment, intrigue and color to their dull, solemn lives. I like it when people ask me about it or simply just take their time to linger their eyes on any tattoo on me. It's like I seem important but really, I'm not. I just have enough guts to sit on a tattoo chair for a period of time and go through the temporary but excruciating pain I'm experiencing from the needle.

"Why are you still doing this?" Kat suddenly asked.

I think I've already answered this before. "Because growing up as a kid, I've always wante-"

"No, no. What I mean is why are you still hoping that one day, Lazarus will get to see these tattoos of yours and fall in love with you endlessly? I like your tattoos, no doubt, but your longing for him is just..it's unhealthy, Oreo." Kat went on. "Can't you just move on? It's already been 7 years. Start on a fresh, new page. Forget him. Get to know new people. Pursue your other dreams. Make a difference. Do anything..just as long as you'll leave him behind. I'm not trying to rain down on your parade but the fact that you're doing all these effort for all or nothing is concerning me. Do you get what I mean?"

"Yeah...I'm not only getting constantly inked for him to see it, though. It can also be for my future lovers and for self-satisfaction." I responded meekly.

Kat raised an eyebrow at me. "Yeah but we both know deep inside that one of the main reasons why you started treating your body like a canvas is because of Lazarus. Don't deny it."

I hate it when Kat is right. And she always is. Why am I still doing this?! Yeah, I know part of the reason why but the Lazarus part. Nuh. I DO need to move on now. I DO need to pursue other stuff I want to pursue. I DO need to make a difference. But I'm not ready yet. Or at least that's what I think. Whatever. Kat just made a good point and I think should follow her.

"Fine! Fine. I'll try to get over this attachment I have towards him and get a new life. You're so good at this." I said,

"Not really. It's just I made a really good point." Kat sneered.

"Meh. Speaking of making a good point, how are your plans of starting up a cafe named Point going?"

Kat dropped my arm and got up from my bed. "It's been doing good. I need to fund more money, though. People around town have been starting to spread the word about it and they all can't wait for it to finally open. I also want to change the name of the cafe too."

"Change it to what?" I look up at her.

"I don't know. I haven't decided on it yet. By the way, Elliot called while you were gone earlier. Said he was going to treat you out but I pretended you said you weren't feeling it since I know that you're not even that interested in him anymore."

Thank you, Kat. Thank you for reminding me that I'm actually in a relationship right as of the moment. Yeah, I do need to start a fresh, new page.