Real Life

Doesn't get it

Tonight, one of my friends and I were texting:

Me: Ah yes. Well I'm gonna watch depression and suicidal videos so goodnight <3

Friend: No don't, come on, don't let your self, like, watch something funny or stupid that'll make u laugh<3

Me: No it's fine trust me. I do this all the time. Thanks for your concern but it's ok. Sorry I made you worry a lil like that.<3

Friend: It's fine I've just never knew anyone watched that kind of stuff <3

Me: That's what people like me do so it's ok. <3

...and then he said...

Friend: Well I guess people like u r really beautiful then <3

He spoke the truth. People like that are beautiful. They have character, they're graceful and amazing and gorgeous but not me. And it's so unfair because she doesn't get it. He thinks I'm fine when I'm not and he doesn't even know the real me just the happiest facade I can put up because I don't want him to know about my illnesses and the voices I hear and drive him away. He doesn't understand that every time I go into a place and order something to eat, or if I walk into the kitchen I hear "Don't even. You're not worthy of food. You should starve yourself you fatass because you're already fat enough as it is." Or when my parents tell me they love me- "No one loves you. No one will ever love you. Their just saying that to shut  you up you bitch. Go jump off a bridge and make everyone happy." Or when I'm lying in bed, exhausted, because just like the night before last- "If you think your going to sleep then you're even more crazy if that's even possible. No. I'm gonna stay here with you all night and tell you every single reason why you're a piece of shit."

I'm not beautiful and he's just saying that. I'm fat, ugly, annoying, disgusting, and the definition of scum. He just wants to make himself feel better. He doesn't understand anything.