The Smallest Touch

Regaining Contact

I love swimming, it's been a part of my life since I was about four years old. I would swim rather than anything else, I love being in the water, it's a big part of me. But during swim season you lose connections with friends, your life is swimming and the people of swim. I lose touch with the outside world as well, swimming Monday-Saturday, I just want to stay home on weekends and sleep. I rarely have my phone, and since I don't leave I never see Dylan. I feel guilty about it sometimes, I don't know why but I do. Kelsey thinks it's because I miss him, maybe she's right, I just don't know.

The only time I see my friends is at lunch or in the hallways of school. I talk to Catherine when she comes to lunch.

"I remember Dylan hugging me once, that's it. I don't even remember why, its just a vague memory."

"He might have hugged you, i don't know." I laugh.

"It was either eighth grade or freshmen year......"

"I'd be willing to bet money it was freshmen year if anything. He didn't even hug me in eighth grade."

"Dylan has a lot of girl friends." She says.

I shrug, "He doesn't like guys."

"Why not?"

"Because they are jackasses?"

"That's wierd." She says.

"Depends on how you look at it."

"How do you look at it?" She questions.

"That girls can be nice, guys tend to be rude."

"But he hugged Steven."

I shrug again, "Maybe Steven did something nice for him. I don't know Cappy, I'm not Dylan."

"He hugs a lot of girls..." She says to herself.

"Trying to make me feel jealous?"

"Is it working?" She raises an eyebrow.

"No, try again later." I say, qouting a magic eight ball.

"Have you ever been jealous?"

"Of what?" I ask.

"With Dylan."

"Am I supposed to be?"

"Nikki, you hide stuff and I know some of it is about him."

"Aww, look who's a know-it-all." I say getting up to throw out my lunch tray.

"Should I take that as a yes?"

"You can take it however you want or whatever gets me out of this conversation faster." She frowns but moves on with the conversation anyway.

"What happened to your wrist?"

"Which one?"

"This one." She says pointing to my right wrist, wrapped in an Ace bandage.

"I collided with one of my swimmers, sprained my wrist."

"Are you going to swim this weekend?"

"Of course! I wouldn't miss a meet for anything if I could."

"What happened to the other?"

"I burned myself."

"Trying to cook again?" She said with a laugh.

"Sure, we''ll go with that." I said trying to avoid the actual reason.

"What's the real---" Catherine gets interrupted by the bell dismissing us from lunch.

The conversation with Catherine got me thinking, I have been jealous about Dylan before. It's always been for dumb reasons so I've never thought about it. Once was when he used to spend all his time talking to a girl named Heather. He used to tell me about her, I don't understand why it bothered me. When he dated Taylor I was jealous, they seemed really happy and i missed the happy feel I used to feel with Steven. I was jealous sometimes if Dylan hugged another girl but it would dissipate and I'd shrug it off. Even though I'd never tell Dylan, I see no point since I don't even know the reasons. I like to think it's because i'm protective but I don't think I have a reason to be protective other than i've known him so long.

If I do talk to Dylan during the season, I like to talk about things he enjoys. Otherwise the conversation dies rather quickly and I feel bad because i'm wasting his time. He doesn't like it because he hates having the converstions be about him, but if it's on stuff he likes I can answer questions and he doesn't mind answering. If it's on anything else my constant asking 'why?' will get on his nerves and I try to avoid that. Its little conversation, mostly after practice or when homework is done. It fills the awkwardness of 'should i do it, or shouldn't I do it?'. Dylan will never text me first so if I want to talk I have to do it.

It can be hard finding topics, but I try to have at least one conversation a day. That way we wont be timid in person, but we still are. We sit next to each other not knowing what to say or do. Normally waiting until another person joins us to get the conversation going. Even with that, we are noramlly quiet around each other. At times I feel like we could read or listen to music together and that would be the perfect way to hang out, doesn't involve talking except to change the song and we get to relax which with us, is perfection. Music in, tune out the world. Reading a book, into a new world.