i remember

bye-bye bunny

Its always hard to say goodbye to your first like, love or crush. But sometimes its inevitable, sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time in life. Whether its because of age, school or family. The feeling of being left behind is one that I will never forget, most likely because I have come to the realisation that being left is what happens to me. Nothing will ever change the fact that I am hated or disliked more than I am loved. I thought that she was different, but she wasn't, she isnt. Whether or not that's her fault is yet to be discovered.

Everyone around me is telling me that its her fault that I have a right to be mad, but when ever I am, I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt in my stomach and it won't go away until I forgive her, again and again. It feels like I will never stop forgiving her and then getting mad and then forgiving her. All I want to do now is forget her, I just want to forget her like she forgot me. God why can't I forget her.

Eventually we will forget each other just like many other broken hearts have before. We weren't an incredible couple in a romance movie who make mistakes but come together in the end. I know that we aren't but I couldn't stop my heart from dreaming. Maybe in the end it was too much to ask of her to pick me. To want me. I don't know how my heart continues to dream when it keeps getting let down.

One day I hope that we can be friends, but I don't see that happening, not now. It hurts too much to even see her smile because I remember her smiling at me and then I think about how she's probably smiling because she finally got rid of me. If I were her I'd want to get rid of me too. I have shed more tears over her than I would like to admit, and I have just recently come to the realisation that she probably hasn't cried at all for me, or for our failed relationship. But why would she? I'm not anything to cry over.

One thing that I will never forget about her is how special she made me feel, and how I just feel like an idiot now for believing her. Maybe I'm not completely over her, but I have gotten my closure, at least I hope that I have. One day I will be able to see her in the halls, or in class and not feel this overwhelming urge to crawl into a corner and cry until my lungs can't take another breath.

She was my first real crush, love, (wuv) in so long. She was my first ever girlfriend and that will always mean something to me, but is it so bad that I'm afraid that I will just be another failed relationship to her? She made me feel beautiful and smart and special, but in the end I wasnt enough. We weren't enough.

I really hope that she has and can move on faster than I have, and I hope that she gets the love that she deserves. I am moving forward now and not looking at the what if's, because the what if's are what got me here in the first place. Wondering if we would work together, if we would last, if she would hurt me. I can't worry about the what if's now, because if I keep looking backwards neither of us will ever be able to move forward. Sooner or later I will be able to breath again without thinking of her.
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(Ok, so that's the final chapter of this tiny poetry book. I know that it wasnt the best work that have ever done but it really helped me work through my issues regarding this previous relationship. I am really hoping that I can finally close this chapter of my life. (And yes Dasani, when I say finally I mean finally.) Also as another disclaimer I am just going to say again that no I don't hate my ex-girlfriend.)