Can I Tell You A Secret?

Chapter Eight

TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorders, mental illnesses

Two more weeks of the holidays have passed, and I'm on the bus up to our local mall to meet up with my friends. I'm the last one to it down at our table in McDonalds.

"Still no Ava?" I sigh.

"Nope," Alice says, looking up from her phone.

"Has anyone actually seen her since the day we went to the beach?" Lucy asks.

"No," I say, "I've texted her, and she replies, but I haven't seen her."

"We should go over to her house," Taryn suggests.

"I've thought of that, but if she doesn't want to see us, then that would feel like an invasion of her privacy," Alice says.

"Besides, there's only a week more of our holidays. We'll see her at school," she adds.

Part of me agrees with everything that Alice says, but the other part is the reason that, an hour after the mall, I'm knocking on Avalyn's door. Her mum opens it.

"Hi, is Ava home?" I ask.

"She's actually out right now, but feel free to wait up in her bedroom," Mrs Thomas suggests.

"Thanks," I reply.

When I'm in her room, I do some things that make me a very bad friend. I dig around her room, to see if I can find any clues as to why Ava has been so distant. I feel something hard under her pillow.

"No!" I whisper excitedly, as I reach under and pull out a notebook.

A diary! I shove it into my bag, and make sure that everything, apart from the diary, is where it was when I came in here. I feel incredibly guilty, but I'm worried about my friend. I come out of her room.

"I actually need to go, my my mom wants me home. Tell Ava that I stopped by to say hi?" I say to Mrs Thomas.

"Okay. Nice seeing you, Alouette," she smiles.

When I get home, I lock myself in my wardrobe with a torch and the notebook. The boxes that I never emptied now live in the bench storage space. I open to the first page of the small notebook.

Welcome to Avalyn's 4th Dark Diary. To be completely honest, I don't know why I introduced and welcomed the reader. I'm the only one who's ever going to read this.

I laugh. That's such an Ava thing to say. I turn the page. I'm disappointed to see that there's no date at the beginning.

So, I've decided to stop writing the date. I'll probably regret it, but I just want to get my thoughts down without having to bother with the date.
So I've finished my 3rd diary! That's terrifying. I remember when I started my first one, 3 years ago, when my dad died.

I look up from the book, shocked. Ava's dad's dead? She's never mentioned him, and none of us have met him, but I always assume that he and Mrs Thomas just got a divorce! I keep reading; I've only just started, and this is already incredibly interesting.

So much changed when he left my life. But I've learnt so much. This first entry is completely and utterly pointless. I just wanted to start this diary off. Ava xox.

I cannot flick to the next page fast enough.

I'm really scared. The feelings are coming back. I looked in the mirror, and I knew. I'm terrified. I don't want to fight them. But I don't want to obey their orders. I guess I'll just have to let them control my life again. Oh God, oh God, oh God.

What feelings? I frown, frustrated that she can't even spill her secrets to her diary. I keep reading. The next entry is much happier.

Wow, it's been a whole fortnight since I've written in here! Today I made a friend! I'm so excited! I'm freaking out!!! I haven't had any friends since The Thing, and now someone like me! Her name's Alouette, and she has this hair that makes her head look like it's on fire, and it's beautiful!