last goodbye

#1; i'm ok, don't worry

I used to be a happy and carefree girl. I laughed heartily when it came jokes. I was surrounded with friends and I was so delighted and exuberant.

Sometimes, some people were envious at me for being so friendly and happy. But I just didn't even care about them because I lived in my own life, in my own shoes. I was happy outside but the truth is, I was lonely.

I had no brother, no sister, nobody was with me when I needed them the most.

Even Emma, my best friend since middle high school, choose Sarah over me. I felt devastated when I knew that Emma abandoned me.

I had nobody. That's for sure, no lie.

Even my own father was always busy, as busy as a bee, with his mighty job. He had to go overseas on calls, every month. He would came home to see me just for a couple days or a week. It will never be enough for me. I need my father, more than anyone else. We used to be so close but that's in past. For him, his job was more important more than anything else. That's the main priority for him. Then, my mother was also like that, she was a talented designer, fashion designer. She was busy with her hectic life. She also a makeup artists.

Since we lost our precious one, everything had changed. Our life wasn’t the same anymore. There’s no more joy, laughter and happiness. Everything had changed. Her named was Lynn, and she was my twin sister. We lost her due to car accident and we can’t do anything to save her. Since then, we move away to another place.

In a matter of seconds, my life turned upside down. I thought when we were moved to another place, I could forget the pain I used to handle all this time. But the truth is, I can’t. I can’t bring back Lynn into my life. I cried all night. I want her back.

If I can turn back time, I want to replaced her. I can’t live without my twin sister. She meant a lot to me. She understands me more than my parents. She knew how to soothe my feelings when I cried. She knew me more than I do.

Lynn. Why it has to be you?

Until one day, I learnt to move on and keep moving forward. My life goes on just like that, almost a year. Boring and uninteresting.

​Thus, that's why I used to pretend to be happy when I was with people. Sometimes I wanted to conceal my true feelings, but I don't want them to know my real life.

I was being a hypocrite like a stupid girl but I loved to pretend that I was happy. That's so not me, for real.

Once, I used to hate my parents for leave me alone. I used to hate everyone. I had a trust issues because people come and go.

​Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as the saying goes. The truth is, I missed them so much. So much. No words could ever define it. No words could ever describe it.

No matter what, they were meant a lot to me.

Sometimes, I felt that I didn't even exist at all in their life. I was like an invisible girl.

Nobody saw me.
Nobody noticed me.
I was sighing.

I need someone to lend their everything when everything was falling apart.

I don't how to feel anymore. I don't even know what's kind of feelings I have. It's hard.

Everything in chaos. I hate that.