Confessions Series

Confessions of Lauren Jauregui's Forefinger

Being Lauren Jauregui's forefinger is not an easy job. No sir, you'd think it's all glamorous and chill, well, you're wrong.

It's a thankless job, and most of the time it gets lonely. Why, out of all ten fingers, did God, or whoever created this fine piece of ass, turn me into Lauren's right forefinger, why? Why?!

Lauren hates me. I don't know what I did to her that made her not like me so much, but she makes it a point to remind me every single day that I'm different than the rest of my comrades. What, you don't believe me? Well, sit your ass down and listen to my story.

First of all, she trims my nail to the point that the skin underneath it is almost exposed - I mean, why are you so brutal, Lauren!? Why do you need to trim me every goddamn day and let the rest of your fingernails grow so beautifully and lady-like?

Well, okay sure, sometimes she also trims the nail of my twin sister - her left forefinger, and her middle finger, but damn it I'm so sick and tired of feeling neglected and ugly! I'm so short and unkempt, while the rest gets to be painted with fabulous nail polish or dressed up with pointy fake nails? I mean come on, favoritism much!?

I feel so left out. The rest of my fellow fingers tease me and calls me the gay finger, whatever that means. And they say they are Lauren's straight fingers, again, whatever that means.

Why do you do this to me, Lauren?

It's not like she does it to play the guitar or something.

No, she just likes to torture me, I guess.

She knows I'm afraid of the dark, and yet she constantly plunges me into something that feels like a deep pit of darkness and wetness, choking me, drowning me. It's both physical and mental torture for me, a version of waterboarding, because just when I'm about to break down and think I'm gonna die of suffocation, she pulls me out from wherever hole she buried me, the sweet refreshing air revitalizing me, but then she puts me back in there, faster and harsher than ever before, making me numb, making me cramp. I could hear her muffled whimpers and moans, like she was in pain, and when I hear those sounds, I know what's gonna happen next. I'll be choked again, to near death, by the unknown force - wet and soft and spongy walls closing in on me, before a flood of something slightly sticky stuff drowns me, making my skin all wrinkled and messy.

I'll tell you a secret. She used to do that to Camz, too. And, boy, if you think Lauren was bad, what with all the choking and drowning, you've seen nothing yet! This Camz thrives on my suffering. She'd beg Lauren to "put it in her, hard and fast" or sometimes "nice and slow" depending on her mood -- it being me, how rude... It's like I'm nothing but a toy to her. Excuse me, missy, I do have a name! It's Lern Jergi's Love Machine, according to Lauren. At least she named me, it's nice of her, even if I didn't know what it means.

She's insatiable. It seems that she lives for Lauren's love machine. She begs Lauren to "give it to her" over and over and over, and Lauren would get this muscle cramps, but still, she'll plead and groan, and so Lauren would continue plunging me again and again into Camz' deep dark tunnel which is much scarier than Lauren's hole of wet unknown.
Why is it scarier, you ask? Sip your goddamn tea and let me continue my story.

Not only does Camz want to be "fucked" (I heard it, but I didn't know what it meant. I assumed it's a term for my torture, because whenever Camila whispers to Lauren "fuck me", Lauren would immediately start trimming me, and the rest is history) every goddamn day, but her torture hole (which I prefer to call The House Of Horrors) is so much tighter and wetter. I couldn't breathe, and Lauren keeps me inside of there longer and deeper, it scares me that I would never come out alive. Camz likes to choke me so hard, that if I wasn't squeezed so much which prevents me from taking in normal breaths, I'm pretty sure I would be crying like a pathetic child. And then, as if to further humiliate me, once Lauren was sure that Camz has thoroughly soaked me with her kinda sweet-tasting fluid, Lauren puts me inside her mouth and sucks me dry! What the hell is that!? Why do they keep on doing this to me!? Am I some sort of submarine whose whole existence was to be submerged in whatever pits of watery hellhole they could put me in?

I feel so scandalized and abused.

And why does she keep on calling Lauren daddy? "Oh yes please, Daddy! Fuck me, Daddy! Faster, Daddy!". Seriously, what the hell?

I don't understand these humans. They are so weird.

You know, sometimes it's not bad being Lauren's forefinger. I do get breaks from Camzi, and her absence is quite noticeable because Lauren gets so sad whenever Camz is not around. I don't know what happened between them, but suddenly they just stopped hanging out. For a long time. It seemed like forever because Lauren started to let my nail grow again, and I was so happy! I felt like that moment was my time to shine! No more dark and wet holes, no more being squeezed by squishy walls, no more scary stuff. I was a happy forefinger, and I get to bond with my brothers and sisters as we all wear the same nail polish! It's the happiest moment of my life.

But one day, I woke up to that all-too-familiar clicking sounds and I knew that it's that time again.

I don't know what's in the water in Mexico, I can't put my finger on it (ba dum tsss!) but whatever it is, it has made Lauren extra trippy, and she and Camila started bonding like they used to before. Lauren is so happy, though, so I couldn't really find it in my heart to complain. She's so happy that she picked up that mean nail clipper, and without second thoughts, she snipped my beautiful long nail, as much as she could get, making sure I have no sharp edges, and that I was all smooth and round.

A couple of meet and greets later with their fans, I was still all trimmed and bare, while the rest of her fingers were beautiful, and all the harmonizers and Camren shippers have noticed it in photos, and they cropped me and enlarged me and spread me all over Tumblr as if I was some sort of breaking news. It's the most humiliating thing to have ever happened to me.

Why does Lauren keep on doing this to me?

What's my purpose in life?

I feel sad.

I'm the saddest, loneliest, ugliest forefinger out there.

Oh shit, I hear Camila's voice!

Fuck. They're gonna fuck, again. I'm fucked.

We're in Dublin and it's cold and Camila wanted me inside of her scary tunnel, and Lauren's too happy to oblige.

I saw a glimpse of Camila in grey pants with crown print all over, and it matches Lauren's hoodie she's wearing today. Oops, there goes that outfit flying across the room.

Shit, I'm plunged in total darkness. Oh I see the light now. Oh wait no, darkness once again.

I'm gonna end my story now. This will take awhile, and I hear Camila calling Lauren daddy again, and based from experience, I'll be in here all night long.

Damn Lauren and her stamina.

Alright, people, peace out. I'll do the peace sign, but I can't, I'm kind of in a compromising position.

***

A/N: this is just playful satire, don't get offended!

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