Confessions Series

Confessions of Lauren Jauregui's Tongue

I'm the most gorgeous and attractive piece of meat you would ever see in your life.

Yeah, I said it.

I'm the pinkest, most luscious, hottest tongue this world has seen, and I belong to Lauren Jauregui.

I'm not gonna lie and pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm a boss ass bitch and I know I'm worth every hype I get. I say what I wanna say, and if people don't like the truth I speak, then Lauren's forefinger could point you to the door with the big "UNFOLLOW" sign.

Some people don't like me because I'm sassy, and I tend to rant, and yeah, I'm a bit of a potty mouth, if I'm gonna be honest. But I love who I am. I know what people see when they look at me: they see stars, they go to heaven, and when they come back with ruined underwears they'll be weeping with joy because I'm more brilliant than they could ever be. And I'm just a tongue -- wait till my other comrades share their confessions!

People would think I'm conceited, but I don't care. Lauren knows, Camila knows, everybody know that I can make anyone weak in the knees just by showing one-fourth of myself in all my naked glory.

Back in the day, I was only served dick popsicles (or cocksicles, if you prefer) and as much as I am open to try all kinds of stuff (like, seriously, put anything in front of me that's edible, and I'll try it), cocksicles are kind of an acquired taste. They either taste too salty or too bitter, and they like to show themselves unannounced in my home, act like they own the goddamn place, and basically shove their presence even if I have made it clear that I don't wanna entertain guests.

Most of the time, Lauren makes me wanna work hard on those cocksicles, and I have to endure the shame of licking hairy balls -- I feel like a mop cleaning a dusty ass balled-up carpet -- and I'm tired of the porn industry selling us the idea that dicksicles and ballipops are the bomb, when, in fact, based from my experience, they are basic ass floppity flop flop bitches.

I don't wanna tell you this, because it pains me to admit such an embarrassing thing, but, since I'm an open book, I would rather not keep any secrets. There were times when Lauren would be too enthusiastic with her dick popsicle and she would put the entire thing inside her mouth (which is my home) and I could literally feel the tip knock knock knocking all the way to my back door, and as any gracious host, of course I feel it's my obligation to let it in -- and when I do, sometimes I feel like vomiting, coz some cocksicles are just plain bastards. They're bastards because they overstay their welcome, want to sleep over, hangout with Lauren's uvula (my first cousin) and her tonsils (my niece and nephew), and the thought of a salty ass cocksicle mingling with my family, while a pair of wrinkly balls try to initiate small talk with Lauren's chapped lips, makes me wanna gag. They're disrespectful, and it makes me wanna choke.

Lauren knows how I feel about intruders, that's why she usually doesn't let any cocksicle meet Tony and Sylvia (the tonsil twins). But sometimes, Lauren gets too cocky (pun intended to the highest degree) and she thinks she's at the dentist the way her mouth is wide open, gargling on a dicksicle until she can't speak a sentence. Like, how rude is she to open the door to my house and let anybody in without my permission? She's one arrogant little bitch, that's for sure.

Let's be clear about one thing, okay? I'm not like my distant cousin who's all meek and shy and naive. I'm not Lauren's forefinger who weeps while she's being tortured and plunged into all kinds of deep dark wet holes, and suffers the shame of having her fingernail snipped to such an ugly length while her brothers and sisters remain all glam and long. I know she's my partner-in-crime, since it's apparent that her and I are Lauren's favorite "love machines" and joint-rollers, but still, I won't tolerate unfair treatment like my cousin.