Starstruck - Shawn Mendes / boyxboy

Chapter Twenty: The Aftermath

**** SIGNIFIES SELF HARM! ****

Jacob's POV

I am distraught. I have yet to stop crying and there is only one thing I know that will help me. I got up and walked into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. My hair was going in so many directions, my eyes were puffy and red, and I had bags under my eyes.

There's only one thing I need right now. Michele would kill me for this but I have no choice right now and this is the only thing that would help me.

****

I opened the cabinet and scavenged for the one thing I needed.

My razor.

I'm back to this old habit. Kaden is right. Twitter is right. I'm better off dead than anything else.

I'm a waste of space and the world would be better off without me.

I picked up the razor and slowly cut my wrist, not caring how deep they were or how many they were.

I just needed to think of something else and get school of my mind.

As the blood seeped out from my wrists and dropped into the sink, feeling only numbness, I stood there and stared. My mind is empty and the only think I could hear is the dripping sound of my blood.

****

I heard my phone's text tone go off and I slowly regained my thoughts.

I looked down and realized, that I'm still bleeding and I started to clean up the blood in the sink and my wrists.

I went under the sink to grab the first aid kit and then continued to clean my arms from the blood. Using a rag, I hastily cleaned them, sometimes wincing in pain as I dabbed the rag on it.

From the first aid kit, I pulled out alcohol wipes to disinfect and bandage rolls to cover it up.

I did really often before and know the steps I need to take to make sure that these are not seen.

I opened the wipes and dabbed them on the cuts, tears once again filled my eyes due to the pain.

The only one thing I hate after cutting is the pain. Not the pain during the process but after. It's the regret knowing that you've made your body even more ugly, that when the scars heal, it will leave ugly scars reminding you that you did this and they will never go away.

Once I was finished wiping them, I rolled the bandages all over my wrists and put away the first aid kit.

I can't clean the rag now because my mom will know the only reason why I would have a rag with dried blood on it so I made a mental note to clean it later, took it and hid it in my closet.

I grabbed my phone to see text messages from Shawn and Sean.

How I haven't messed that up, I don't know.

Sean: I just wanted to make sure you're okay ): you wanted to leave in quite a rush and I'm making sure you're okay

Me: I am Sean, thanks for today I mean it. :)

I called Shawn on FaceTime, because those were the only things he texted me and he answered pretty quickly.

"Hi Jacob! Wait, were you crying? What happened." Shawn started off happily but changed as soon as he saw that I had red eyes and tear stains.

Think Jacob, think.

"Oh yeah, um, it's kind of embarrassing and I'd rather not." I answered trying to cover it up.

"You can tell me anything! What happened? I want to help."

"Fine, I was watching Titanic again and I forgot how sad it was when Rose realizes Jack died for her." I answered, pretty well on my opinion.

Taking drama club my sophomore year really did come on handy because a smile was back on his face.

"Was it that sad? I've never watched it." Shawn admitted and I wanted to stab him right then and there.

"Of course it was I fücking swear Shawn. I'm gonna call you Jack because of your stupidity."
I answered and Shawn just laughed in response, which was really cute to be honest.

Not in a crush cute kind of way. It was in like a friendly cute. I swear.

"But he died for Rose?" Shawn questioned me and I just sighed.

"He put Rose on some door so she wouldn't freeze in the ocean, but there was probably enough room for him to get on but he didn't and he froze and died in the damn ocean." I answered bluntly and he just smiled innocently.

"Well then. I might have I watch it." He answered.

"You will because when you're here I'm forcing you to watch it and you could maybe make me watch Harry Potter." I said nonchalantly and you could see his eyes light up.

"You'll love it! I've read the books, watched all the movies, we need to have movie marathons. Jenna and Michele could bond and you and I could bond!" Shawn said and I felt happy and had my heart do little jumps knowing that he wants to spend time with me. My life goals are coming true.

"I can't wait until you're here! I haven't gone to the fair in so long." I said, remembering the last time I went to the fair which is with my dad.

"Just a few more days Jacob and we can go." Shawn said and I smiled. "Anyways, I have to go, your favorite and most attractive rockstar needs to get his beauty sleep." Shawn explained and I laughed.

"You are my favorite, but I wouldn't say most attractive, but you're up there." I explained to him and he put a hurt expression on his face, which you could tell was fake by the smile on his face.

"You'll see Jacob. People say I'm more attractive in real life."

"I've seen you before. It was more like a downgrade." I explained trying to win this war.

"I didn't realize how mean you can get. I like that. I'll talk to you tomorrow?" Shawn explained and i nodded and smiled.

Once he hung up I jumped on my bed, and yelled out in pain from basically landing on my wrists.

"I forgot I did that." I whispered to myself and turned around to get under my blankets and reflect on what has happened today.

I went on a date with Sean and I enjoyed it but is it really what I want? I need to spend more time with him because at the moment, it only feels like a friendship but once again, it still only is the beginning of our relationship.

Then the Twitter drama happened which happens to be the reason why my wrists are currently bandaged.

I wish I was strong. I wish I wasn't gay. I wish people actually liked me.

To this day, it still confuses me on how people can judge based on sexuality, something that may never end.

But to finish my day, which made it even better, was the fact that Shawn and I FaceTimed. It just makes me even more excited for him to come here so we can hang out, watch movies and bond.

And the fair, the thing I'm really excited. They have lights which are so pretty and an amazing spot for photos, something I really want to go to.

Plus, the last time I went was with my dad and I want to go there and remember all the fun times I had with him.

His death still hurts me and I may never heal from the wounds he left, but like what Shawn said the first day we met, that he will help me through this.

I believe him.

-=+=-

Word Count: 1,297

Updated: 10/13/2016

I'M IMPROVING SLOWLY GUYS!

I'm trying to write whenever the chance comes so I don't disappoint you and make you wait two months for a chapter!

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See you next time!