baby [h.s.]

thirty six

            That night I couldn't sleep. I paced my apartment, cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned. I drank mug after mug of tea. I reorganized my drawers. I did anything I could to keep my mind off of Harry Styles.

The next day I avoided him again, because I was scared. I sent him a text telling him to go to work without me, that I was feeling sick. I sat in my flat, eating soup and watching movies, doing anything I could to not face my emotions.

I thought I was doing an all right job until Harry appeared in my bedroom doorway that evening.

I sat up in bed and shut my laptop. He stared at me with his arms crossed.

"You look fine to me." he said.

"I'm feeling better." I said.

"Bullshit." he said. "Want to tell me what's actually going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play games, Tilly. You've been acting weird since we left New York."

I sighed and my shoulders dropped. I rubbed my hand over my face.

"I need to be alone."

Harry scowled. "What the fuck did I do?"

I balled my fists. "You didn't do anything."

"Obviously I fucking did." he said, as he walked closer to my bed.

"You didn't do anything, Harry!" I said, suddenly raising my voice. "But you've done fucking everything, and now I don't know what to do."

"What the hell does that mean?"

I sighed and stood up, pushing past him to walk into the kitchen. I couldn't sit still.

"Do you know how much you scare me?" I said, as he followed me. "No one's treated me like you do since my dad. You respect me. You value me. You make me feel like I'm wanted, like I'm someone's first choice. I feel like someone actually fucking cares about me as much as I care about them. And that's terrifying."

"Tilly-"

"I told myself I wouldn't do this again. I told myself I couldn't. No one can have this advantage over me. But you had to go and make me feel like I had a place where I belonged and you had to support me like Parker never did."

Tears blurred my vision. Harry reached for my waist and I hit his chest, then wrapped my balled fists in his shirt. I pressed my face against his chest.

"Are you afraid of trusting me?" he softly said.

"No," I said. "I'm afraid of being in love with you."

He tipped my chin up with his finger and I saw him smile. He took my face in his hands and brought my lips to his. My chest leapt and my grip on his shirt tightened. Our lips moved together. When we pulled away, I pressed my head against his chest.

"I love you, Matilda Caine." he whispered. "I love you."

I laughed into his chest. "Fuck."

"This scares the fuck out of me, too, Tilly." he said. His arms tightened around my shoulders. I felt like crying harder.

We stood there for a minute, silent. I felt numb, but happy.

"Come on," he said. "Let's go to bed, yeah?"

I nodded. The two of us walked down the hall to my bed, our hands linked. After a few moments, our limbs were tangled beneath my blankets.

"I've never felt like this before." he said. "I'm scared too. I don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry for acting the way I did." I said, staring at the ceiling. "I didn't know how else to handle my feelings."

Harry laughed softly. He kissed the top of my head.

"I know."

"Did you know how I felt?"

"I guess, but I didn't want to get ahead of myself."

"How long have you..."

"How long have I loved you?"

I blushed. "Yeah."

He hummed. "Since Barcelona. But you've had me enamored for quite some time, Ms. Caine. That's all you're getting though. I'm tired of being sappy and romantic."

"We won't be like that." I said.

"Yeah, hell no."

I laughed. My head was against his chest and I heard his heartbeat. We sat in silence for a while. My thumb grazed over his knuckles. I thought he had fallen asleep, but then he began to talk.

"I know that took a lot for you, and I know you're scared." he said. "But I'm here for you, baby. We've got each other, if nothing else."

I leaned up and kissed his jaw.

"Love," I whispered. "One hell of a word."

--

two uploads, one night. we're ALL SCREAMING. cried a little while writing this. it's fine. 

YOU'RE WELCOME CHILDREN.

song above "I and Love and You" by The Avett Brothers please listen while you read cause it gives a feel.

becca xx